Categories
Biblical Psilocybin Stories

Notes During Last Night’s Psilocybin Trip

(Began around 5 something PM – probably more towards 6)

It’s moments like this, here & now, where I see everything — well, I want to say “everything”, but it’s more like 

( I take a deep breath) it’s an understanding. & to anyone who doesn’t believe, that’s okay. 

It’s real tho. 

This is real. 

I am real. 

There’s nothing fake about this. I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell people this – that they should know it’s real – that they can feel it. But maybe not everyone can, yet… all I have right now is a big smile…a big smile for myself & for everyone, for life, for nature, for people, for everything. Wow, & sometimes I cry because it’s so vast… okay, so yes – integration is extremely important,, where can people begin?

—begin by Relaxing (there are multiple ways to relax — meditation, **laying down is actually wonderful** just lay down. & breathe. 

& love— like the Greeks I believe have 7-9 different meanings of the word “love” whereas in English there’s pretty much only 1 meaning – or a few. But it’s broad. Anyway, there are different meanings of Love. (I’ve already written about this – I’ll pull it up from one of my word docs sometime later) anyway, lay down. Relax. Breathe. – (you already know – maybe, that I am writing in this moment like I am speaking to someone, to you, whoever you may be. I don’t know, but I’m writing this for the people – for anyone who is listening*****) 

Integration — first, relax. Lay down. Breathe… My integration with psilocybin began 10 years ago – so, it’s been a fucking journey – a great one. Now(I wanted it then too) I want others to experience this. Love. Unconditional Love… idk & it doesn’t matter what ppl think – but One way to experience this is through deeply researching the Bible – like I’ve done throughout most of my life – beginning when I was like 11 or 12. I’ve gotten into other spiritual books as I’ve gotten older – currently I’m super into Hinduism & studying more of that. Buddhism is also amazing. 

There are so many practical applications in these spiritual texts. & they’ve been around for a long long time. There’s a reason they’re still here… anyway, I want to help people integrate love into their lives, because it’s real love that they desire. We all want love. 

As a few tears now stream from my eyes. It’s love. & I think that we need it. We need love. Real love. 

As a few laughs from love come about – from within. Smile. Breathe. 

So where can someone begin? – because psilocybin by itself may help a few experience love, but integration is what we need. Integration can help everybody. It can help anybody who wants to experience love. & everybody does. If a person says they don’t want to experience unconditional love – they are lying to themselves. Everybody wants to experience unconditional love. I think we need this now more than ever – in humanity – & that honestly, real love possibly can heal this world. Because we also all know that this world is a puzzle to say the least. It’s … there’s really no words to explain it — ****because it is Beyond Words!!!**** 

people, myself too, we often & maybe almost always – live in words. In ideas. But LIFE is NOT words!!!!! It’s beyond that. Real life is beyond words. 

Unconditional love is beyond reason**** & humans, me too, we aren’t always reasonable – as much as we all like to believe we are..so this now leads me to thinking about our shadows. The “dark side” of humanity – which is within us all. Don’t try to say it’s not. It’s within us all. & you don’t need to judge it. What we need to do, I think, is learn to understand & accept the dark sides within us all. It’s really okay. It truly is. You’re not alone. There’s someone who understands — & it is you. Many organizations & whatnot have been created in fear – there’s a ton of fear within us all, within humans & animals. & fear itself isn’t a bad thing, it’s not. Fear can be good. But unconditional love is such a better experience. It’s limitless. It’s sooo vast. 

So okay, integration. How to gently transition from fear to love*** this could be a book title ^^^. There’s so much “serious- ness” in this world. & everything is really, truly, not that serious. (I wasn’t trying to reference the joker there either) 

It’s just – like Jesus & other spiritual leaders, Bob Marley, so many leaders – they say don’t worry. Don’t worry about anything. Everything is perfect. It is. But not everyone sees this – maybe most people don’t. I don’t know. We, as humans, from the poorest to richest, from the healthiest to the diseased , all of us are just a part of life. It’s really very simple, but we make it so complex – people make simple things complex. & that’s not needed.maybe it was then, but it’s not needed now. Now is a time for simplicity, like da Vinci spoke of – “simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” & it is. 

It really is. I think because there is a certain understanding within simplicity – like look at nature for example – trees – they are beautiful, & they are extremely intelligent. They grow & they don’t need humans to help them grow. Nature helps them – which we can also call god, because it’s everywhere. Again, it’s nothing to fear. You’re already here. Might as well experience love. It’s what you want anyway. We need love – humanity needs love. Unconditional love. 

But it’s not something to  force. Love is Never something to force – ever. That’s why a gentle integration of it may be the best path toward it; to it. Because it’s here already. Love is here. & love casts out fear. I don’t know. Now I know I might be writing too much, haha. Again, it really doesn’t matter anyway. I don’t give a fuck. Right now I don’t, & right now I know what I know. 

So integration, where can people begin? (- other than taking a large dose of psilocybin) 

—begin by relaxing. Lay down. Get comfortable.     

—then from here, hmm,,, sometimes I don’t know if anybody cares anyway – if anybody truly cares. This all might just be futile, blowing in the wind. It probably is. But while we’re here… ***But since we’re here*** … to meditate in Love – like when Ram Dass asked Maharaji about how to meditate – Maharaji closed his eyes, I think teared up, opened his eyes & answered, meditate like Christ. & ram Dass asked how Christ meditated,. Maharaji answered, “in love” or something like that. — & this now inspires me to read some of the gospels – especially Jesus’s words in the gospels… I was gonna write this in my notebook, but, fuck it. Anyone who is reading this, anyone who is listening, yea please do…Eternal perspective – & yes, it is out of this world. It is way way beyond anything the human brain can comprehend,, currently… also, I am not claiming to be jesus or anything… I’m just a person who is very interested in these studies. 

I find this all fascinating. 

Life is beyond words beautiful. I feel & experience unconditional love & I want others to experience this too. It’s magical. Truly it is. It’s the peace beyond understanding that jesus spoke of… & I don’t feel this transcendent presence 24/7, as you know, but right now I do.  – this is after ingesting some psilocybin a couple hours ago…

integration is so important. Without integration none of this can happen. We need to gently, very very gently, integrate unconditional love. It’s not impossible – as some think. It’s not. It is possible… I’m gonna eat another little shroom now too. Keep this going. I say with a smile. A big smile. A smile of love… 

do you know what is so fucking important??? 

Clean water. (7:15pm currently) & water is what I’m about to go get from the kitchen. I’m gonna drink it too hahaha. Idk why that’s funny, but it is. Clean water for all tho, that’d be nice. 

Long showers hold some healing within. (7:29 pm – taking a shower) , also many of the words I write can hold within them multiple meanings. This is intentional. – better said – is that most of what I write is straightforward, but some of what I write contains multiple purposes – all good. (7:56pm – out of the shower & dressed) back to my cabin. – dental hygiene is important. Definitely gonna floss & brush my teeth when I get to my cabin shortly… 

so, integration, haha…I say with a smile, a loving smile. It’s all okay. It’s all life. For me – with integration, after relaxing & meditating & all that, I go to the gospels in the Bible, at least right now I do. Jesus’s words are incredible. They are powerful – powerfully healing – to anyone who listens – to anyone who wants healing – to anyone who wants unconditional love. So for now, I’m gonna read more of the gospel John. I’m in the third chapter & already reminded of the brilliance of this all. Inspired by God, or something divine. Most definitely… & unconditional love – for anyone who worries about this – it’s the opposite of worry. It’s nothing to worry about. Worrying won’t get you to Heaven. You are loved for who you are. Just as you are. THIS is unconditional love. Everybody has sinned and has fallen short of God’s glory, says the Bible, & this is true. But God or whatever this experience is, love us completely – just as we are, & completely knows all that we are. There’s no hiding from God, & that should be liberating – not frightening. Knowing that all everyone has ever done – God understands, & God love, without conditions. Unconditional love… now back to the gospel John. — also, I’d like to add some Hinduism into here too, because Christianity seems to scare the fuck out of some people haha. Understandably so – the church has room for improvement. Hinduism holds truths that are also just wow. It’s just that for me, personally, I began with the Bible & not just that I began with it – I like reading it. I also love reading Hindu texts. Buddhist texts. 

Spiritual >>> Religious. (8:27pm) 

8:32 pm – John 4:24… id like to quote so much of this gospel – & all the gospels. But for now I’m gonna continue reading… I feel so fucking good right now. So fucking good. (8:47pm) 

(9:11pm – just got back from the kitchen – ate a piece of pizza & some leftovers, did dishes, organized some stuff in fridge, & now I’m back in the cabin… oh yea, can’t forget – I drink water sometimes straight from the faucet – literally I do, metaphorically it’s like drinking spiritual water straight from the source) 

The Doors of Perception are open within me, throughout me, in this moment. Glory to god. This life is just wow. Beyond that. It’s beyond words… also, with the Bible – it takes a lot of discernment, prayer, & spiritual gifts to understand it’s main messages – because some of the Bible is out of date – it’s difficult to explain this – id have to write in depth about it – which I would love to do. I’m signed with God, but was gonna say something like someone should sign me now before everybody wants me. It’s that I am certain I have great gifts to share. & I want to share it all. It’s all happening in time anyway. & it’s something to smile about. A big big smile. 

Love. 

Unconditional love. (9:27pm) 

John 6:31 “after all, our ancestors ate manna while they journeyed through the wilderness! The Scriptures say ‘Moses gave them bread from heaven to eat.’” 

—& now for integration, John 6:32-33 “Jesus said, ‘I tell you the truth, Moses didn’t give you bread from heaven. My Father did. And now he offers you the true bread from heaven. The true bread of God is the one who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.’”

The next verse is hilarious, John 6:34 “Sir,” they said, “give us that bread every day.”

Hahaha. That is awesome though ^^. (9:39pm) 

I feel so good right now – as I read the gospel John, & after eating psilocybin in the past few hours. I feel great. 

But yea, integration…haha…it is extremely important… later in John 6 Jesus speaks of people eating his flesh & drinking his blood to get eternal life — yea this is not literal. He speaks in parables all the time. Just about all the time. I believe he is speaking of his words – the words of God. The Holy Spirit. – that people need to take it into their minds & eat it, & digest it, & really take it in. Because when you get it – when you really get it, it doesn’t go away. Quite possibly eternal. Also this is a paradox to human ways – because the way to experience Heaven is the most selfless actions you can make. It is complete selflessness that will get you there… gentle integration… 

John 7:38 “Anyone who believes in me may come & drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart.’” (10:00pm) 

psilocybin is seriously fucking amazing… I think many people tho who are trying to get into the psilocybin field don’t know what they’re getting into — especially people who are only looking for profit… & hopefully – my hope is that, well, I don’t care who comes into this field – & my hope is that the more they get into psilocybin plus integrations, the more they will understand & experience unconditional love. So it’s a win-win either way. It’s all good…as I read the gospel John still – some of these verses remind me of Atman in Hinduism – which refers to Soul – which I believe is the real essence of who we all are.  It goes beyond the physical. It literally transcends physicality. I want to share this message. 

Categories
The Psilocybin Spirit Philosophy Show

Alien Communication – This is where we begin

For real. 
If we want to communicate with aliens, this is where we begin.

& for real, leave a review. let’s start changing the world for good, for all.

Peace & Love.

Categories
Uncategorized

Verses of Life Poem 1-7

Inspired by Terence McKenna & his words in this important speech, “opening the doors of creativity”

Verses of Life is a poem in progress – My aim is to write a poem encompassing birth to death, showing how we all are truly one, together, connected. Verses 1-7 are super early life verses – there is pain to come for sure, haha. Enjoy.

If you’d like the download the pdf version, here’s the link:

Categories
Psilocybin Stories

First Personal Breakthrough with Psilocybin

I was a sophomore in college.
The year was 2010.
It was a beautiful Spring day. 
The story of psilocybin’s first and greatest impact in my life. Heartfelt.
My life was forever changed.

Categories
Psilocybin Stories

The Psilocybin Experience Factors

2 years after my first psychedelic experience, in 2012, I traveled to Venezuela on a mission trip. Up to that point I had only taken magic mushrooms 3 or 4 times. 

I’ve never craved psychedelics. I’ve always appreciated them with a deep reverence after my first experience.

Anyway, looking through photo memories, I can see my charisma and trusting presence. I wonder if psilocybin makes us more of who we are? But do believe that it can awaken the Soul.

As I’ve gotten older, some of my trusting presence has faded or hidden. I think it’s still within me. Many people have mistaken my carefree presence as naive and weak, but now that it’s not as strong within me, I realize this was a strength.

I didn’t need or use any drugs during this trip. I really was high on life, and have been high on life much of my life. I had little to no anxiety, no worries, just carrying a deep trust I had for life, God, the Universe, which my psychedelic experiences made complete. I understood that everything in life was unfolding perfectly, trusting it without a doubt, which I believe is what allowed me to live so completely in the present moment, overflowing with life.

I was in a state of trust, and would like to practice trusting life again. I think as we age and experience inevitable moments of suffering, we trust less, we’re in our heads more, we miss out on joys otherwise to be had today – holding onto pains of our past or worries of our future. It’s not easy.

My once in a blue moon psychedelic experiences often return me to that state of trusting presence. My hope is that it can do the same for others, and that we can carry some of that trust into our daily lives.

I know several factors impact the experience – that the psychedelic experience is unique to the individual. Maybe the experience brings out more of who we already are, but maybe it can do more than that with the addition of a spiritual practice, or other practices. The presence of genuinely supportive people makes a difference.

I see this in reflection as I’m currently not in the all-around great shape I had been in most of my life, and not just physical shape but mental, emotional, spiritual, social, and financial — I’m still paying student loans but at the time it felt like free money. Haha.

Life is constantly changing. I’m not in the ideal shape I used to be in, but I’m happy with who I am and where I’m currently at. I accept myself, (I try to!), as I simultaneously (try to) take actions toward a more ideal future. Imperfect progress is a way toward progress, and I do imagine a better future, although 2020 hasn’t made it easy.

I hope you and yours are well.

I know that psilocybin alone isn’t the answer, though it is nice hearing about its decriminalizations and medicinal legalizations. I think it will help many people in the long run.

Cheers to your beautiful cosmic self,
Psil Silva

Categories
Psilocybin Stories

What “Isness”

Sometimes I get high, sometimes I get low, but I’m calm as can be, in a room full of strangers but oh my, don’t try to get close, cuz I’m just gonna leave, cuz baby I’m a Lone Ranger..open eyes open roof gimme miles give me truth….(Rachel Platten, Lone Ranger; it’s my soul song) I died a physical death. I chose to come back… my physical sight is different now; 

There’s so much more to this world. Then I started the mushrooms, for PTSD. Psilocybin IS a medicine. I thought all my relationships fell apart bc it was someone else’s fault, or it was my fault.. there is no “fault”.. there is just you, & who you are. Be that. Be that thing. That most primal, natural thing. When a man comes who doesn’t try to cage or capture that “Isness” of me, that is the man I’ll stay with

Until then, realize you are a mirror, they are a mirror..it’s all the same tapestry, of which you are a thread…

…You know, I guess what I wanted to say was look for nothing, everything already is…

-Anonymous

Categories
Uncategorized

An Ugly Lovely Life

I’ll begin my story by introducing myself. My name is Adrian Bennet, I am 46 years old and have been married to my wife Liz for 22 years. We have 3 wonderful children Keziah 11, Ella 9 and Zain 4 months. My wife and I have had many career paths in life and refer to ourselves as autodidacts. We are co-directors of a family business that developes and provides CBD and medicinal mushroom based products, here in Swansea, Wales UK.

Although I wouldn’t have known it as such then, the first experience that I later perceived as psychedelic occurred in my adolescence. There had been a major breakdown in my family when I was 7 years old and shortly after I became the subject of traumatic physical and emotional abuse.  Around the age of 9 or 10, after particularly traumatic family events, I would “wake up” around 3 A.M., but somehow I would not be entirely awake, I would be somewhere else completely, physically conscious but in another world completely, being chased and attacked by the most grotesque caricatures. My very young parents would try to hit me to wake me up, but to no avail. Home became a place of distrust and fear. At the age of 10,  I found myself at the local mental asylum having brain scans and then would spend the next two weeks picking the electrode glue out of my long blond hair while in school. They could find nothing wrong with me.  

As I grew older, I began to leave the house via the window when I felt these episodes coming on and would find myself running and screaming through the streets of our small mining village of Felinfoel, while being attacked by saucers, lasers, monsters and the like. I would run for what seemed like an eternity only to find myself coming around in my underwear 30 minutes or so later with the socks on my feet worn through to my skin. I had no clue about what this could be until around 2 years ago, but I’ll get to that later.

As the abuse continued, I rebelled and became adept in the art of enduring pain. It was normal to hit your kids back then so I said nothing of what was happening. Despite the abuse, I was a caring, empathetic kid, which perhaps originated from a deep seated need to find my own source of love and thus I began to remove all boundaries in the hope of love coming in from the outside. Regular schools couldn’t control my outbursts and so from the ages of 12 to 16 I was placed into the welfare/foster care system. I had an ability to just ace an exam without looking at the subject matter until just before taking it. The answers appeared as ‘pictures’ in my mind and therefore I could never show how I worked things out. Since this was incomprehensible to my teachers, they would accuse me of cheating and would beat me as punishment. I couldn’t win. I now know that this is a symptom of ADHD disorder, and rather than seeing this as a disorder, I prefer to see a beautiful mind, ultimately creative if it’s allowed to express itself.  We are IT!

I spent four years in that state boarding school for the “maladjusted,” as it was referred to then, a school filled with a plethora of children in different states of disrepair. Upon leaving this place, I went into the Royal Navy and six months later was honourably discharged on medical grounds. So, by the time I was 16 ½ I found myself on the streets, shooting intravenously all the barbiturates, speed and you name it that I could find. It led me to prison many times, and “killed” me 3 times. Thankfully, the universe had other plans.

At 22 I became a religious person and was “born again” for the next 20 years. I put my head down and played the good lad. My wife and I went to around four different churches  over the years, but I attended, many, many more on my own in that time. We were so dissatisfied with those that we even started our own church, which survives to this day. Through these years, we also built businesses for us and they afforded us a comfortable lifestyle filled with cars and houses, but despite all this we still felt empty and unfulfilled. While in the church, I wasn’t allowed to express my utter disillusionment with Christianity, its church and with the way I’d been paraded around by Christians as a poster boy for the war on drugs. My disillusion turned into clinical depression and my daily routine was to find reasons not to kill myself, hence the reckless way I spent money as a compensation. To top it off, most Sundays I’d have to put on my suit and speak at this church or that youth camp and the like, while never quite getting the message.

Enough was enough and I decided to end my life.   To this day I can’t explain how I was stopped, but I was and it was like a switch had been flicked. I was on the back end of four hard years of doing iron men triathlons, running a successful construction company, frequently drinking myself into oblivion and still trying to be my best self for my wife and daughters. Even I could see this was unsustainable, so I began to see a therapist (whom I still see) who through Gestalt therapy was finally able to get me to open up for the first time. I had thought the love between my wife and I was gone and we needed to save our marriage, but what I realized was it was my love for myself that needed saving and capturing. It got darker and darker for me as I began to unwind.

I found cannabis helped me to climb out of this, particularly CBD which helped me so much that I eventually found myself living and working on a cannabis farm in southern Oregon. I would work for two weeks at a time here and there and sometimes on a monthly basis, and began setting up our little business. Along the way, I heard about DMT and the thought of it fucking terrified me. Then I heard about ayahuasca, and I couldn’t imagine being in that state for 8-10 hours. No way!! But it got my attention, as did Dr Rick Strassman and his books. I began to see there might be a correlation between my childhood waking night terrors and these experiences. I emailed Dr Strassman and to my surprise he replied within minutes and we conversed over the course of a half dozen messages. It was a great moment for me. He was lovely and very to the point. His advice in the end was “do your own research,” which I did. I really, really did. 

I first heard of these plants and medicines in October of 2018 and by March of 2019, I’d soaked myself in research. All the books and podcasts I could devour.  All the music that would feed my soul. It was like I was being called, I couldn’t explain it. I knew I just had to do this and with the research I lost my fear. I’d lived with that shit all my life. It was an old friend by now and I’d come to learn that there are no bad or good feelings, just feelings and I needed to view them for myself in whatever fashion pacha mama had in store for me. 

So, I took the plunge. I booked a stay at a temple deep in the Amazon jungles of Peru and prepared to partake in seven ayahuasca ceremonies spread over 11 days. I studied more and more writings, I followed the guidance to eat better and generally tried to do all the things they ask of you. What’s the point in going somewhere to experience their expertise and not following the protocol? Makes no sense to me. It never has. I was all in. So, I booked my flights to London then Madrid then Lima to Iquitos and finally found myself deep in the lower Amazon in a longboat with 22 strangers, all bound for the same journey.  Once we arrived at the temple, we were looked after by Shipibo tribal folk and 6 shaman.

When I look back it now, it has to be the plant calling me. There is no doubt in my soul. That’s my perception anyway.

I was carrying a lot of trauma into the ceremonial setting and some would call it a severe case of PTSD.  When I arrived in Iquitos, I thought even my kids didn’t love me. I felt totally alone in this world. I had fallen completely out of love with myself as well.  This is how I began my first ayahuasca journey. I was knocked out like someone had given me an anesthetic, but weirdly I felt ‘operated on’ when I woke. An odd feeling pervaded me all the next day and despite my worry that this wasn’t going to work, I dug deep and continued my preparations for the next session. Oh, how naïve I was. The second night was when the medicine took hold of me and it was mind altering.

The journey began with me drinking a much larger dose of ayahuasca than I was allowed to drink on my first night. It was a rule of the temple. They had their reasons and  there is no doubt to me that these human beings know exactly what they are doing. After imbibing, I went back to my space on my mat and as I lay there, I began to feel this seething, white hot emotion that was impossible to keep in. I started to weep bitterly and the agonizing knot that formed in the pit of my stomach was ugly. It takes a lot to make me vomit, but this feeling was so overpowering that it was too much to bear. I broke, calling Publio (my facilitator and now close friend) over to ask, “What is happening to me? Hold me.” I was utterly terrified and felt like I was literally falling apart as a human.  All he did was smile, that beautiful smile of his and say, “Oh, Adrian” while stroking my head until I purged on his lap, soaking his clothes with the hottest tears I’ve ever leaked. Then the maestro Shamen, six in all, came in singing their Icaros and it was the most eternal sound I’d ever heard. 

A sudden peace came over me, like somebody literally hugged me and laid me down, assuring me “you’re here now, you’re in it, it’s too late to go back, just accept this.” and I did. I lay there staring up into what I can only describe as a cosmological nightmare, with crazy stuff, lots of stuff from which I kept recoiling. Then I heard a voice speak to me without making a sound and it said, “Adrian, why do you always expect all the beauty in your life to come to an end and when it does, you do that? Now look up, it’s beautiful, nothing can hurt you here, LOOK!”   When I looked, I was no more, I was nothing and everything. It was just the most unexplainable view. There was this eternal Forever rock formation crossed with an octopus’ body, nothing had size, it just was, and as I stared bodiless, ripped from who I thought I was, this eye just filled my vision with a blues blue, crystalline colour and it just opened up and communicated to me, “I SEE YOU, YOU NO LONGER NEED TO BE SEEN.” The visuals were so profound and the message so deep, it all made sense in a heartbeat. I don’t remember much after that except landing safely again. I knew my mask had been ripped away and I cried and cried, stopping only to  sit up every time a shaman came to my mat to sing in my face. They needed us to sit up so they could see all the trauma in you and I’d challenge anyone that said they couldn’t. At least once or twice every evening a shaman would suck something from the top of my head and I’d collapse into a heap while the shaman would proceed to vomit into his or her bowl.  Whenever I opened my eyes in this state, the maestros seemed to be in the vision with me. Now it was exactly what I thought it would be: magic, black, white, blue, pink, who gave a fuck, these people were helping to heal 23 westerners and it was working. I video blogged every evening, to make sure I remembered what I had learned, and while some are still a little difficult to watch, the one I made after this evening was especially so.  

Each ceremony peeled a layer of myself away that I’d been holding onto as security and once the veil was dropped,  I saw the beauty in myself and in everyone around me.  The connection was otherworldly.

There was an evening toward the end, the sixth ceremony in fact, where all my passive rage and pent up emotions came to the surface and the medicine took me on a ride I’d never expected. It began during the day, where for some reason, people began to say weird, unpleasant things to me. I arrived at the ceremony really confused, and while we weren’t supposed to vent on anyone, for some reason that day people did. It was odd at the time, but in hindsight it wasn’t anything new, it wasn’t good or bad, it was just interactions and this day was my day to realize once again how naïve I’d been. 

Up until this point, I’d done five ceremonies, and they had been all gentle and namaste. I remember actually saying to my now great friend Farid, that I didn’t think I needed the last two ceremonies, I was ready to leave. As a result, I arrived angry as fuck.  Sitting in between the two people that I felt most aggrieved by, I blindly smashed as much medicine as I could into my mouth. I was angry, in a “Fuckin come on then!” sort of way. What made matters worse was I was now really angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I became really intoxicated and the whole place was going off. This was ceremony number six, so we had 138 experiences between us up to that point, and had 120 Icaros sung to us. My anger took over and I began screaming, “You fuckin pussy, you allow women to walk over you? etc etc etc.” I shook uncontrollably, as if taken over and began to seriously beat my face and body with my fists. I started biting myself and hating how weak I’d been, after all I was a fuckin lion, how dare I be weak? I knocked 3 teeth out, but don’t worry, they were all mine. Of the 23 of us in the temple, I was the only one this was happening to. They told me later, it’s not a regular thing, it’s more my process. I was being shown what I was doing to myself internally while all the while having my ego revealed to me. I was being shown all the women that had hurt me, especially my mother, like a flushing out. The visuals here were fast and hard. Hurtful. Publio was coming over to me, worried and asking me to calm down, but by now I think I realized what was going on. When mother ayahuasca carries you away,  you’re able to almost relax into the terror with a distinct knowledge that it’s all going to be ok, a sort of perception that makes sense to me now. There is this separate connection. I said to Publio, “Don’t worry, it’s my process, this is my cage, I’m a fuckin’ lion Publio, I’m a fucking lion!” And I was. Whether it was the fact that I’m a Leo and I know the lion connection or whatever, I’d become a human lion, beautiful, glistening, golden, powerful. Down on my haunches, growling, snarling, snapping at the air. I was smelling everyone and taking my power back.

Then I remembered a vision I’d had a couple of nights earlier. I was holding my unborn son, Zain, and in a flash it hit me, that was you Ade. That was the inner child you came here to find. You expected to find a 7 year old boy, but this was a beautiful Gollum, silver, unborn baby with blue black holes for eyes, eyes that had the cosmos beyond them. I stripped myself naked and sat there nursing myself like a mad man. I just couldn’t bring the vision back.  “Why show me this now? Why spoil it?” I thought and I began to aggressively try to go inside myself and fetch him. I felt it was absolutely possible to enter into myself, that I had been completely separated from mind. It was almost controllable, but completely frustrating. I was alternately shouting, then whispering and at one point I let out a roar out that sounded like it came from another world and was so loud JJ the facilitator heard it from 1 km away.   

Within seconds, I was being schooled again by that inner voice. “You can’t swear at a baby, Ade. You can’t talk to yourself like that anymore. It’s what’s going to kill you. This part of you was locked away in the womb. You’ve now lived half a life and this half of you is almost dead. Be nice, be gentle.” Then I was in my arms, me as a baby. I cried, wept mightily and danced with me. It was so special, I’m crying now as I write this. It was a glorious merging of myself. I was dancing in front of the entire Moloka, as naked as the day I was born. I’d had terrible body complex issues all my life but now, nah, no more.  This was a freedom like I’d never thought could exist. Utter and complete abandon. 

At certain points I would see someone that had hurt us/me and they would simply disappear. My vision would get difficult and I was being taught that they could not hurt me anymore. It’s gone, it’s done. It was like I shut a door on all of my past. I was standing on my 2 foot by 6 foot by 2 inch thick mattress, acting out my entire life, past, present and future, and it went dark and closed. I looked the other way and there was a complete garden of hallucinations. I went in and I was seduced by the most beautiful, green, big cats, they just were all over me. Then I was in a golden temple, swirling with colours I’ve never seen before. Jesus was there, along with every god and myth I had ever known, they were in my heart, my stomach… it was a complete destruction of conscious reality. I was exploding into crystalline shards with a myriad of what I can only call colours, but I have no words to do them justice.  It was so loud and yer silent, so big and yet small, all at once: duality had disappeared. I was one with everyone, everything and I knew I’d never be the same again. I collapsed on my matt, exhausted, the reverie had ended but I had yet to return. “Laura is waiting to put you back together, Adrian,” someone said. I knelt in front of this beautiful goddess and she sang the most powerful Icaro. I was beating a drumbeat on the floor and she joined me. This wasn’t practice but we were both in it, together, eternal in that moment. I was a big cat, exerting his power over the woman in front of me. She got it. She felt safe. I placed my ear less than 2 centimeters from her mouth at times, so I could absorb every note of her song into my depths.  I found my arms outstretched involuntarily and two small lights appeared in each hand. As I tried to close my hands together the lights got brighter and it was the hardest physical thing I’d ever had to do. But on I pushed and knew that by closing my hands I would complete the merging. As dramatic and insane as it sounds, it made perfect sense to me in that moment and that’s all that mattered. I closed my hands, screaming “MERGE!” and collapsed.  I was able to lift my head and I saw the a giant and incredibly beautiful lion’s head, its mouth open with rings of light disappearing down its throat and a shadow figure with something under its arm standing in the mouth and looking back at me.  The shadow turned, walked into the mouth and it ended. Exhausted and spent, I lay there naked.  Urias, the head shaman, came and soaked me with liquor from his mouth, spitting it on me as he had during the ceremony. This was a seal from him. It felt that way.  As I drifted into sleep, all I remember thinking was “I knew it would work,” over and over like a mantra. 

I blasted off that night. I was no longer me. I was no longer anything but a kaleidoscope of colours,  explosions of light with an overwhelming connection to spirit. It was silence, but deafening, a sensory experience without my senses. I felt it then and even now I still feel connected to a oneness that we all have together, a oneness separated from us by a huge bridge of the pain and so few of us realize it. Every ayahausca ceremony gave me a three part experience:  the exposure of my ego, a gentle, silent, painful place to view it and almost always, a healing euphoric end. 

My life since (only 8 months ago) has been a revelation. The dynamic with my wife and kids has been transformed. We talk, communicate, love deeply and have so much more collective strength. We had a challenge to respond to in November, when we discovered that Zain was trisomy-21 baby. Our response, as a family unit and individually, has been profoundly different from how it would have been pre-Peru.  I see that self-love is the key if you want to bring about any change in the world.  Self-love is the first step to  change our environment. 

The way I connect with my clients at the dispensary, especially those suffering with mental issues, has been amazing and the there seems to be a conscious community forming. People really are searching. I get paid to do what I love, it is my bliss. We are about to launch a podcast on consciousness and have events in the city planned. It is an exciting time.

The hardest part of the journey so far has been the integration with my life. Coming to terms with my “mutant” state. We have left the church behind, its life, its concepts, its ways of teaching and, if I had to say, its Gnosis. When my veil was taken away it became clear that the Church had collectively messed it up.  I had been part of an organisation that now thinks I’m fucked, a backslider, hell-bound,  seven times worse than when I started. That attitiude has not embittered me, I’m just sad for the blindness I had and for the many friends or mine that remain blind, trapped and hypnotised by it all. It seems so obvious to me now. I love the myth and I can’t reject the construct, but our lives seem to be destined to do some small thing to begin to lift that veil. I still use psychedelics, only from nature and sensibly, I like to think. I microdose with psilocybin in a stack format and will return to ayahuasca again, possibly in the next month or two in a ceremonial setting. Now, I try to have an intention when approaching any psychedelic and I find it very important for me to focus on that. It’s something I work up to and I’m constantly continuing my research. Maintaining my relationship with my therapist has been a great decision, not just for these issues, but because it provides a type of framework for the work we do with patients at the dispensary and guides how we handle their issues and their worst fears. Therapy is good and brave.

I perceive a time of awakening is coming. The one thing psychedelics showed me is that just being alive is the most powerful trip already. As Alan Watts put it, “Am I a psychotic pretending to be sane?” With all our preaching, wrangling, wars, business and our profound amnesia as a species, not one of us really knows what’s going on. But I know, for the first time in this life that I’m enjoying the great dance of the universe. As much as I’d love to move to the forest with my family and never come out, I feel a purpose here. I want to be part of something great, something powerful. For that, I will forever be indebted to the indigenous people of the Shipibo tribe, the Amazon and the entirety of South America for the work they do and the love they show us, despite our horrible history. They are a forgiving people.  IRAKU!   

Lastly, thank you for reading this to the end.  x

Follow Adrian on instagram @the_upper_shroom

Categories
Psilocybin Stories

Psilocybin Connection

1.3 grams of psilocybin 

Tomorrow, or tonight if I’m not too tired.. I’ll make a thread of what happened the best way possible. You would not believe it.

Quick note: centralization is bad, that is why bitcoin will work. It helps us connect to what we used to have: Togetherness. Openness. Roots. I found so many answers.

Key word that stood out to me: searching.

You just won’t believe what happened or what I learned.

Alright let’s start. My breakthrough.

So we ate the shroom after taking a dip in the water and getting familiar with our surroundings. 

Straight vibing and chilling. We get the effects such as: heaviness, more-so a body high.

Fast forward

We are just realizing shit and nature.

Later on.. idk how long we were just talking, looking around, realizing the beauty in everything. Then people came down. They’re clearly they’re the ones that maintain the falls because shitty ass humans leave trash and have no appreciation for nature, what its about.. i digress.

They came down to fix this bamboo raft because people use it for fun like us you know. It was super cool because they were family.. sort of like a tribe. NO ONE said anything. We all just mind our business and whatnot. While we trip and shit

There was even a “leader” of the tribe. He’s just an uncle or brother or something. They’re local people.

Didn’t say anything to us even tho we were throwing mandarin peels on  the ground (fertilizer for plants 🙂

Anyways..

I finally take a dip in again. I grab a bamboo just to lay in the freshwater. Looking up at the greenery surrounding me. All the life. The breathing of leaves. Beautiful.

I try to tell my friends to come in, but don’t want to force because on shrooms you just accept. But in this case they were fine so I didn’t want to bother them.

The “tribe” people are done trying to fix the raft so they head up to the top of the falls.

There was one kid that was having trouble swimming because the river was getting intense and this is where I start tripping the fuck out. I started feeling it took on my feet and I was telling my friends that we should go up because there is possibly a flashflood.

The sun was going away and getting a little shady. The river current was getting stronger.

So I manned the fuck up and my first thought was: survival. I told my friends, “look i know im tripping out rn, but i think its a great idea to start moving up just in case”

Mind you, im on shrooms and so are 5 others. Im the one that took these guys on the hike. I was panicking hard af. One friend was just straight chilling with no worries.

But I had to take lead. I started pouring out half a gallon of water out into the river for lighter bag

I turned on my speakers and started hiking up the trail and told them, “Alright I got music. We are going to survive. We are not ending up on the news. Follow me and the sound of the music playing”

I was leader. This is where the breakthrough started.

In that moment I was like, “no one dies. i love life. we must enjoy everything and all the things. appreciate one another. we dont have a lot of time.” so on and so forth..

My mindset was strictly survival for my friends and I.

I threw all the bottles. Shirts, socks, whatever trash i could find and just throw that shit in my bag man. None of that belonged there. I was even thinking not even our shoes that we wear belong in that environment. Made-made bullshit.

I started trekking up the trail. I was fucking tarzan bro. Grabbing on branches and roots with one hand. Completely forgot there was a rope on the left side. I was even holding a waterproof bag full of ice and shit in one hand. 

“Lets go guys we gotta get to higher ground!!”

Then we got up higher and at a safer area. Then I just sighed and told my friend closest to me “i know im tripping hard, but i love you guys and life. I wanted us to be safe”

He said “its okay man, don’t worry”

Then we got to the top-ish part of the falls where the “tribe” people were. They weren’t really tribe. Just locals, but I felt the energy and vibe that they had and connection to nature that WE ALL LACK.

They left when we got there. 

It was beautiful. The scenery and everything. The flowers. The openness.

This is where I just sat and reflected. I actually teared up a bit.

I wish I recorded my thoughts and what I said. I’ll try to recollect.

I realized as a first-world country/citizen we keep searching for answers. We’re so disconnected from nature. I felt like the psilocybin made me a plant in a sense. It made me realize that we are all connected. We feed, reproduce, etc etc.

I started thinking about openness, which is what I was searching for trying to survive. We were down at the bottom of the falls, a little open, but a little enclosed. I wanted to get to the top. Be open, free, safe, more..

my friends looked like they never seen nature before. when we got to the top they just went in the water and laid there. I felt like a tribe leader and leading them back to our roots as a species.

Pure bliss. I started thinking about openness and how we all need to see this beautiful place and take care of our earth. We need to share and be at peace with one another. Our problems are so small. We’re so boxed in.

Then I started thinking about how centralization is FUCKED. Government control, police, money, our phones and narcissistic mfs. We humans keep searching and think we know so much. Searching for closure, a sense of safety. What if the safety is to be free?

Music was playing and realized that 808s and drums and shit are so big in hip hop because we gravitate to that shit naturally. How did our ancestors “make music” or sounds? Drumming and shit. Oscillating sounds are peaceful cause we have a deep connection to it

I started thinking about rappers. Why do we rap and think its the greatest shit? Because FREE FLOW and OPENNESS. 

We are just like plants and need to soak in whatever we can get. Just make its right. Keep things simple. 

Minimalism

Why are modern houses so minimal nowadays? Simplicity. We are realizing the best things in life are free. We don’t need much. Everything we have is around us and we need to appreciate it all.

Thank you @CryptoAnx on Twitter for your Psilocybin Story!!

Categories
Psilocybin Stories

Psilocybin Black Hole

Around this time I was thinking — this feels pretty good, maybe this is what shrooms are, and this is pretty cool…

I watched a breeze swoop in, moving the grass with it, in what I thought looked harmonious. I was in awe…but soon I found that this was just the tip of the iceberg — but rather than an iceberg, I’d say a blackhole.

30 minutes later

We walked around the park some more, feeling breezes and watching them orchestrate the grass like it was a band. We were standing on a small grass hill around that time, which was also when I had a peak experience. Answers I had been seeking flooded into me — maybe I was the black hole? Maybe we were all blackholes? 

I wasn’t thinking that^ at the time, but reflecting on it, that’s how it felt for me. Everything made sense in that moment. It was moments of deep, joyful reflections. An internal “Ohhh” about so many things—myself, people, nature, animals, societal norms and structures, time, and even about life itself. 

Pretty much anything I had ever wondered or worried about, was resolved. And at that time the answers were so much more simple than I was making them to be, or worrying about.

I really believe I was experiencing unconditional love, with myself and the Universe. We weren’t separate. There was no “you” and “me,” there wasn’t even an “us,” because it was all so beyond that, beyond any words.  

One of the realizations I had during that moment, was that “time” is not actually how I previously thought it was—measured and all that(seconds, minutes, hours, days, etc). I realized that it was so much more than the measurements we’ve given it as humans. “Time” was a construct. 

One way I’ve described this whole experience to others is that it’s like going back to when you were a child — there’s no labels and words for anything. It just all, is. And it’s all connected. You feel like you’re finally home, on the inside, ya know, because that’s ultimately where we’re all experiencing life from. Both the internal and external fused together.

“Psilocybin Black Hole” is an excerpt from My First Real Trip.
Join in on the 40+ comments on the full post here 😊

Categories
Psilocybin Stories

Spontaneous Solo Psilocybin Trip

I didn’t plan on taking the mushrooms that night. I fell asleep around 9pm and woke up around midnight. I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to take the mushrooms I had, nearly 3.5 grams.

I began with 1 gram, and started feeling the effects after 30-40 minutes. I then took another gram, and then 30 minutes after that I finished it off.

At that point I was feeling pretty great. I was in a state of trust. It was now 1:30am or so, and I was just tripping in my room.

I got on instagram & checked out some psychedelic art photos(and posted them to my story haha). The colors were vibrant. Good vibes for sure.

Then there was a video of a couple whales swimming in the sky, which I thought was fucking awesome. I watched it and it led me to wondering about whales and how they communicate, and that we as humans aren’t the center of the Universe — that we aren’t even the center of this Earth.

Then I went back to looking at psychedelic art, which inspired me to listen to music. I turned on Xavier Rudd. I love his music, especially when I’m tripping. Then I saw a trippy video which make me think of Octopuses and how they communicate. I know that Octopuses are super smart, I wondered what their world is like, and thought about how cool it’d be to communicate with an Octopus.

Then I thought about how Octopuses or other sea animals could be aliens, truly. Haha. It’s possible, but not definite. Just a thought.

Then I looked in the mirror and took some pictures of myself. My pupils were huge! Haha, my eyes were pretty much all black.

At one point in the night I turned off all the lights and laid in darkness for 30 minutes or so, opening and closing my eyes. It was so dark that it didn’t matter whether my eyes were open or closed, all I could see was darkness. I then waved my arms in front of my eyes, it was cool because I couldn’t see my arms at all, even with my eyes open, but I was moving them right in front of my face.

Laying in the darkness also reminded me that I want to get one of those trippy psychedelic light things. Then sometime later I got up and turned one light on. Yea, just one haha.

It may have been around this time, 2-3 hours into the trip, standing in the lit area, where I had a sort of out of body experience. I didn’t feel like “me” in this moment. I felt like I was outside of myself, watching myself, and it felt like that was who my true self is.

Some thoughts of life, death, &humanity went through my mind as well, and the fleetingness of it all sank in. It didn’t bother me though, it was just like a “oh, yea. That’s what this is.” And then I had thoughts about how life will solve itself, even though we humans go around trying to figure it out. I had the thought that we don’t need to do anything, and life will be okay, and that’s true, but since we’re here, we might as well do something. 

And I had the thought that we are all life, whole, one. But we often forget that. It really sank in that yes, life will figure itself out, and that we are life, so we can help ourselves figure ourself out, because it’s going to happen anyway. We’re all one. We are life. Everything is okay.

The idea that life is communicating with us sank in, and again, that life is us…

But yea that it’s always communicating in one way or another. It communicates in symbols.

I thought about how future human societies will most likely be vegan, if we make it that far.

I took pages of notes. On one page I wrote:

“Love=No fear-an absence of fear
= No judgement-an absence of judgement

This can all come down to “No-self” = an absence of self.”

(^I can dive into all this another time, or message me if you want to talk about this stuff)

But yea I thought more about my individual death, the death of me, and what that means. It seems we have a striving to live, but we don’t live forever. It’s hard to fathom living life in a different form whether it’s in the form of another person, animal, or environment, but I think that’s what happens when we die. The individual is gone, but the whole is always here. & that’s who we are, the whole.

Another note I took:

“In The End
it all works out.
So breathe,
don’t worry,
Do what you Love.”

I love many things, especially tripping & experiencing life. No one is completely perfect, but I hope some of what I do helps you and all who read this & takes part in Psilocybin Stories.

Which while tripping I did think of the PsilocybinStories instagram page and decided I want to make it more Nature-like, green vibes, water flowing, mushrooms growing, a growing community, which won’t be perfect as I struggle with trying to make things perfect, but it’s making progress, as we all are in some way.

Speaking of progress, I’d love to do this full-time – be a Psychedelic Investigator, experiencing and researching in the realms of the psychedelic experience.

You can help me do this with a donation, and as a gift I’ll send you my phone notes, about 1,700 words of notes taken during an up&down/heaven&hell kind of trip.

Donate here via PayPal, which also accepts credit & debit cards.

Thank you so much. I look forward to hearing from you and sharing more Psilocybin Stories.