Categories
Psilocybin Stories

What “Isness”

Sometimes I get high, sometimes I get low, but I’m calm as can be, in a room full of strangers but oh my, don’t try to get close, cuz I’m just gonna leave, cuz baby I’m a Lone Ranger..open eyes open roof gimme miles give me truth….(Rachel Platten, Lone Ranger; it’s my soul song) I died a physical death. I chose to come back… my physical sight is different now; 

There’s so much more to this world. Then I started the mushrooms, for PTSD. Psilocybin IS a medicine. I thought all my relationships fell apart bc it was someone else’s fault, or it was my fault.. there is no “fault”.. there is just you, & who you are. Be that. Be that thing. That most primal, natural thing. When a man comes who doesn’t try to cage or capture that “Isness” of me, that is the man I’ll stay with

Until then, realize you are a mirror, they are a mirror..it’s all the same tapestry, of which you are a thread…

…You know, I guess what I wanted to say was look for nothing, everything already is…

-Anonymous

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Psychedelic Books

33 Essential Quotes from Aldous Huxley’s Doors of Perception

Doors of Perception
Written by Aldous Huxley. 
Published in 1954.
60 pages.
Huxley discusses his experience taking mescaline in 1953. 

Though I recommend reading the whole book (it’s pretty short), here are 33 quotes that I believe are essential to this book. They relate to My First Psychedelic Trip and others’ Psychedelic Experiences. (Also, Mescaline is written as Mescalin by Huxley – same thing)

🍄🍄🍄

33 Quotes

1—”To be shaken out of the ruts of ordinary perception, to be shown for a few timeless hours the outer and the inner world, not as they appear to an animal obsessed with survival or to a human being obsessed with words and notions, but as they are apprehended, directly and unconditionally, by Mind at Large – this is an experience of inestimable value to everyone and especially to the intellectual.”

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2— “The mind was primarily concerned, not with measures and locations, but with being and meaning.”

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3—“But the reasonably healthy person knows in advance that, so far as he is concerned, mescalin is completely innocuous, that its effects will pass off after eight or ten hours, leaving no hangover and consequently no craving for a renewal of the dose.”

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4— “But the man who comes back through the Door in the Wall will never be quite the same as the man who went out. He will be wiser but less cocksure, happier but less self-satisfied, humbler in acknowledging his ignorance yet better equipped to understand the relationship of words to things, of systematic reasoning to the unfathomable Mystery which it tries, forever vainly, to comprehend.”

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5—Our goal is to discover that we have always been where we ought to be. Unhappily we make the task exceedingly difficult for ourselves.”

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6—“A moment later a clump of Red Hot Pokers, in full bloom, had exploded into my field of vision. So passionately alive that they seemed to be standing on the very brink of utterance.”

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7—“Other persons discover a world of visionary beauty. To others again is revealed the glory, the infinite value and meaningfulness of naked existence, of the given, un-conceptualized event. In the final stage of ego-less-ness there is an “obscure knowledge” that All is in all – that All is actually each.”

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8—“What the rest of us see only under the influence of mescalin, the artist is congenitally equipped to see all the time.”

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9—“The schizophrenic is like a man permanently under the influence of mescalin.”

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10—“Most visualizers are transformed by mescalin into visionaries. Some of them – and they are Perhaps more numerous than is generally supposed – require no transformation; they are visionaries all the time.”

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11—“Along with the happily transfigured majority of mescalin takers there is a minority that finds in the drug only hell or purgatory.”

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12— “Most men and women lead lives at the worst so painful, at the best so monotonous, poor and limited that the urge to escape, the longing to transcend themselves if only for a few moments, is and has always been one of the principal appetites of the soul.”

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13— “Professor J. S. Slotkin, one of the very few white men ever to have participated in the rites of a Peyotist congregation, says of his fellow worshipers that they are “certainly not stupefied or drunk…. They never get out of rhythm or fumble their words, as a drunken or stupefied man would do…. They are all quiet, courteous and considerate of one another. I have never been in any white man’s house of worship where there is either so much religious feeling or decorum.”

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14—“How many philosophers, how many theologians, how many professional educators have had the curiosity to open this Door in the Wall? The answer, for all practical purposes, is, None.”

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15—“Words are uttered, but fail to enlighten. The things and events to which the symbols refer belong to mutually exclusive realms of experience.”

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16— “What is important is less the reason for the experience than the experience itself.”

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17— “It has been a retreat from the outward Datum into the personal subconscious, into a mental world more squalid and more tightly closed than even the world of conscious personality.”

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18—“For the moment, mescalin had delivered me “e world of selves, of time, of moral judgments and utilitarian considerations, the world (and it was this aspect of human life which I wished, above all else, to forget) of self-assertion, of cocksureness, of overvalued words and idolatrously worshiped notions.”

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19—“This is how one ought to see,” I repeated yet again. And I might have added,’ ‘These are the sort of things one ought to look at.” Things without pretensions, satisfied to be merely themselves, sufficient in their Suchness, not acting a part, not trying, insanely, to go it alone, in isolation from the Dharma-Body, in Luciferian defiance of the grace of god.”The nearest approach to this,” I said, “would be a Vermeer.”

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20—“For the moment that interfering neurotic who, in waking hours, tries to run the show, was blessedly out of the way.”

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21—“All that the conscious ego can do is to formulate wishes, which are then carried out by forces which it controls very little and understands not at all.”

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22—“In the intervals between his revelations the mescalin taker is apt to feel that, though in one way everything is supremely as it should be, in another there is something wrong.”

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23—“I took down my copy of Evans-Wentz’s edition of The Tibetan Book of the Dead, and opened at random:

“O nobly born, let not thy mind be distracted.” That was the problem – to remain undistracted. Undistracted by the memory of past sins, by imagined pleasure, by the bitter aftertaste of old wrongs and humiliations, by all the fears and hates and cravings that ordinarily eclipse the Light…

… What those Buddhist monks did for the dying and the dead, might not the modern psychiatrist do for the insane? Let there be a voice to assure them, by day and even while they are asleep, that in spite of all the terror, all the bewilderment and confusion, the ultimate Reality remains unshakably itself and is of the same substance as the inner light of even the most cruelly tormented mind.”

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24—“But we can easily become the victims as well as the beneficiaries of these systems…

We must learn how to handle words effectively; but at the same time we must preserve and, if necessary, intensify our ability to look at the world directly and not through that half opaque medium of concepts, which distorts every given fact into the all too familiar likeness of some generic label or explanatory abstraction…

Literary or scientific, liberal or specialist, all our education is predominantly verbal and therefore fails to accomplish what it is supposed to do.”

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25—“The universal and ever-present urge to self- transcendence is not to be abolished by slamming the currently popular Doors in the Wall. The only reasonable policy is to open other, better doors in the hope of inducing men and women to exchange their old bad habits for new and less harmful ones.”

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26—“A man under the influence of mescalin quietly minds his own business. Moreover, the business he minds is an experience of the most enlightening kind, which does not have to be paid for (and this is surely important) by a compensatory hangover.”

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27—“For myself, on this memorable May morning, I could only be grateful for an experience which had shown me, more clearly than I had ever seen it before, the true nature of the challenge and the completely liberating response.”

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28—“The contemplative whose perception has been cleansed does not have to stay in his room. He can go about his business, so completely satisfied to see and be a part of the divine Order of Things that he will never even be tempted to indulge in what Traherne called “the dirty Devices of the world.”

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29—“Today the percept had swallowed up the concept. I was so completely absorbed in looking, so thunderstruck by what I actually saw, that I could not be aware of anything else.”

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30—“When we feel ourselves to be sole heirs of the universe, when “the sea flows in our veins … and the stars are our jewels,” when all things are perceived as infinite and holy, what motive can we have for covetousness or self-assertion, for the pursuit of power or the drearier forms of pleasure?”

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31—”We see, then, that Christianity and alcohol do not and cannot mix. Christianity and mescalin seem to be much more compatible.”

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32—“If you started in the wrong way,” I said in answer to the investigator’s questions, “everything that happened would be a proof of the conspiracy against you. It would all be self-validating, You couldn’t draw a breath without knowing it was part of the plot.” “So you think you know where madness lies?”

My answer was a convinced and heartfelt, “Yes.”

“And you couldn’t control it?”

“No I couldn’t control it. If one began with fear and hate as the major premise, one would have to go on to the conclusion.” “Would you be able,” my wife asked, “to fix your attention on what The Tibetan Book of The Dead calls the Clear Light?” I was doubtful.

“Would it keep the evil away, if you could hold it? Or would you not be able to hold it?”

I considered the question for some time. “Perhaps,” I answered at last, “perhaps I could – but only if there were somebody there to tell me about the Clear Light. One couldn’t do it by oneself. That’s the point, I suppose, of the Tibetan ritual – someone sitting there all the time and telling you what’s what.”

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33—“An hour later, with ten more miles and the visit to the World’s Biggest Drug Store safely behind us, we were back at home, and I had returned to that reassuring but profoundly unsatisfactory state known as “being in one’s right mind.”

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

What’s your favorite Doors of Perception quote?

&

🍄Email me your psychedelic story to spread the word! 🍄

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Uncategorized

How to Prepare a Therapeutic Psilocybin Experience — HAVE FUN!

In the end, your psilocybin experience should be a blast of fun.

But there’s so much talk about psychedelics these days it can get confusing.
The constant negative societal news doesn’t help either..

This is where I believe certain practices can help – Spiritual&Religious practices.

-Zen Meditation
-Biblical Affirmations
-and much more

Spiritual practices have helped enhance my trips, and have gotten me through bad trips. They help me let go.


-And by Letting Go I mean having no thoughts.
-Experiencing life in the here and now.
-Listening to life and being a receiver of life’s messages whilst in this state of consciousness.

And then naturally, joy follows.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Why do I want to help you?

I want to help you because I’ve had experiences where I’ve sought out help and didn’t get any. I’ve traveled to dark places, by myself, and had to figure it out by myself or I’d die.

I am thankful for these experiences, because they have deepened my compassion&empathy. Receiving no help turned me into a person who wants to help everyone, because I know how it feels to have no one there for you.

But I don’t dwell in the negative. There is fun to be had while creating a better world. I use my experiences to help you make peace with your demons, as I have with mine.

The Universe loves us, but we humans work hard at not feeling loved.
It’s time to embrace the love you deserve, even if you don’t feel worthy.
You are worthy.

How to Prepare a Therapeutic Psilocybin Experience — Dosage

There are different strands of shrooms, and since they are mostly illegal, there’s not many ways to tell if some shrooms will be more potent than others, so to be safe I encourage starting with a lower dose, like 1.5 grams.

My first time tripping I took 1.75 grams, and then after a few hours ate another 1.75 grams. This was in 2010, and one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. I will never forget this day.

The lower dosage you take, the less likely you’ll have a life-transforming experience, but you will feel some effects.

I’ve done both microdoses and macrodoses and prefer macrodoses, but I believe any amount of psilocybin will benefit you.

(—Reflecting on this experience, I think one thing that helped enhance my trip was that I was a runner on my college’s track team, so I was in really great physical shape…
There are numerous impacting factors like dosage.
I’m sure physical health is one too.)

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Uncategorized

How to Prepare a Therapeutic Psilocybin Experience — Personality

You are unique, just like everyone else.

^This is a funny, yet true statement.

We all react in different ways to just about everything.
Some people have allergies, some don’t.
Some people love horror movies, some don’t.
Some people love nature, some don’t.

Our bodies and personalities react to what we ingest AND what is outside of us – our environment impacts us.

This post is about your personality though, what is within you.

If you have had or currently have mental health issues, psilocybin might help.

It also might not help, so if you’re afraid of having the dreaded bad trip, make sure to prepare yourself as much as possible for a good one.
-Set Intentions
-Pray
-Prepare environment
-Prepare your mindset

It can also help to trip with someone you trust.

After taking shrooms for the first time I thought everyone in the world should take them, seriously. But then as I got older I observed a number of different psychedelic experiences, and saw the range of experiences vary from person to person.

They are awesome for me, and others, and might not be for you, but if you never try, you’ll never know.

How to Prepare a Therapeutic Psilocybin Experience — Environment

(Note-Just like any other drug, the effects vary from person to person.)

Your environment definitely impacts your trip for better or worse.

It’s important to prepare a safe, well-known environment, especially if you’re a beginning tripper.

The best trips of mine have been in environments I’ve known well, with people I was close to.

I’ve tripped in multiple environments — nature many times, parks, inside. I usually start indoors and then make my way outside. 

BUT – One time I ate shrooms with friends a half mile from our tent, in a desert we had never been to before. This could be considered a “bad trip” because, a few hours into the trip, I genuinely felt lost and for a moment thought we all were gonna die, haha. I am happy for that experience, truly. It wasn’t all bad, and I still love shrooms. 

So for starters it can be good to at least begin in a very safe, well-known place, with people you trust. 

Which leads to the importance of the people in your tripping environment.

During my trips I can usually feel the vibes of other people — some trips I’ve experienced this more than others, — all sorts of vibes – good, bad, angry, overthinking, a whooollleeee range of vibes, from both people who were and weren’t tripping.

I think it’s important to know who you’re tripping with, but it’s on you, and I’ve tripped with people I didn’t know well before – I did feel uncomfortable for some of the time. I recommend tripping with cool people. You know who they are, and you know who they’re not.

This is one reason I’m doing ‘Trip Calls’ (free for the rest of 2020) — to talk with someone during your trip who will give you full support. I want you to have the best experience possible, and know it’s important to have a trusted person to talk to throughout your trip, especially for beginners. There were multiple times I’ve tripped and wish I had someone like this to talk to.

I’ve heard the advice:

“Be the person you wish you had at some point in your life,”

so I want to be that person for you.

How to Prepare a Therapeutic Psilocybin Experience — Mindset

If you’re extremely pessimistic then I’ll be honest with you, nothing is going to fix you.

You need to believe you can be healed. Even if there’s the smallest belief, it can grow, and psilocybin can help you heal. You gotta believe.

Begin with intent – know why you’re going to try psilocybin.
Prayer is then encouraged.
And then get in the right headspace.

^Although sometimes you won’t be able to get into the right headspace until an hour or so after ingesting psilocybin.

It’s easy to be pessimistic in a pessimistic world, so I understand, and I’m pessimistic about some things. But with psilocybin therapy, believing it can help you is part of the process, and it might take trying it before you know for sure it can help you.

P.S. – psychologists&researchers have found that the questions we ask ourselves can strongly impact all of our experiences.

So ask yourself “what if psilocybin therapy could cure me?” 

Now you’ve planted that idea into your subconscious.
The process has begun.

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Uncategorized

How to Prepare a Therapeutic Psilocybin Experience – Intro

Welcome to a 7 day series on how to prepare a therapeutic psilocybin experience.

Watch the Intro to this week, here on YouTube.

Quick recap of the vid:

—I have multiple psilocybin trips under my belt and know how to navigate it to get the most out of it.

—I have personally experienced therapeutic effects from psilocybin.

—I have my Masters in Education and am confident preparing information and resources in a way that’s easy to learn.

—Basically, for those wanting to try psilocybin, you’re on a boat to Atlantis, this week I’m your captain and you’re the co-captain or just along for the ride in the cockpit. You watch me navigate both the stormy and calm seas, successfully sailing through the Bermuda Triangle to reach Atlantis. I’m here to show you the way, so that one day you’ll be able to navigate the experience yourself, but in the beginning, a guide is extremely helpful.

—Along with the free videos and resources this week, I will be introducing a service this week! Unlike some of these industry quacks, my prices will be reasonable, as well as a money back guarantee if not satisfied 🙂

I’m excited to go on this journey with you. The following post will include where to begin in preparing a therapeutic psilocybin trip. See you there!

If this is helpful to you please share, it might just help someone else.

Categories
Psilocybin Stories

Psilocybin Insights Into The Indescribable

This post comes from an anonymous sender who had a profound experience with Psilocybin. The first few paragraphs give background on this writer, then you’ll hear about their psilocybin experience, including striking insights similar to things I’ve experienced while tripping. I love relating to all you psychonaut readers&experiencers! Enjoy the following trip 🍄🤪😁😎

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Hello there,

My name is not relevant here but I would like to tell you something. I would like to say straight away that I am trying to describe something indescribable. This is a contradiction in terms, but I am trying.

I wrote this text original a few days after the experienced trip.

To introduce myself briefly, I take a look at something. I have many siblings. I grew up on a mountain farm. Overall, I had a nice childhood, I would describe myself as nature-loving and curious. My worst experience was probably the unnecessarily cruel divorce of my parents and the experiences from that time. I like to go to the mountains and work with wood. The search for the meaning of life kept busy me, but only in moderation and sometimes in passing. I am married and have healthy and sometimes good children. I can count over thirty years in my life.

I like to travel and one of my most extensive trips until a day in Winter 2019 was, for example, a bicycle trip with my friend from home to the Caucasus. There we climbed the Mount Elbrus.

I consider the student days with my friends and the experience from them to be very important for me. I also made up for the agricultural skilled worker. I work as an engineer in the automotive business.

I have very good friends who I can and want to count among the most important companions on my way.

This very short and extremely incomplete outline should reflect me a little.

And even if I could, for example, fill a beautiful book with the mentioned trip to the Caucasus and its experiences, I would like to tell you about another, much more worthwhile trip.

Or maybe it’s only interesting for me, of course you have to make this judgment yourself.

This part of my trip started on a Winter day in 2019 in an ordinary living room with my friend and led me to the innermost timeless and spaceless.

First of all, so that you only think I’m as crazy as I really am or would be, I would like to note that I have witnessed some formative events such as near-death events and births of my children. In relation to the following experience, these seem to me like little crack on a bowl, which then broke open completely.

I and my friend, the travel companion, have been working intensively on mind-expanding mushrooms for a long time.

He much more than me, he developed the knowledge about it and let me participate. I think Paul Stamets was the trigger, who, like me, is now convinced that these mushrooms are not party drugs, but correctly used as a kind of aid. Here’s something to taste – (Joe Rogan&Paul Stamets video)

We both have moderate experience with hemp and, especially during our study time, a lot of experience with alcohol, but with drugs, I would like to say that we have nothing to do with it.

After studying books and reports from so-called psychonauts, this is a term that is typically used in specialist circles, and considering the risks, I decided to eat five grams of Psilocybe cubensis Golden Teacher with a little honey together with my friend.

Although we had read a number of testimonials and were roughly aware of how the psilocybin contained works, that it does not make you addictive, but tends to promote reflection and empathy, we would not have expected the following, with any fibre of our being.

And the name of the mushrooms, although it seems to describe the easy handling of the growth, says it all.

So of course, we went on a trip with our women after clarification. After ingesting the mushrooms, we went into a cosy room with some classical music and agreed that someone should check on us every half hour. Which then happened through my friend’s wife and an old friend.

Through our research, we knew that the trip would be over after 6 hours at the latest and that there would be no dependencies or physical damage afterwards. The worst to expect was a horror trip, which according to experience reports also harbours positive insights.

And now begins the part that is very difficult for me to put into words.

On the one hand, this is because words, by definition, can only be completely inadequate for something indescribable.

Secondly, my inability. I try anyway, just please be aware that this can in no way be modelled on words, words are something that we humans invented, so they are probably as imperfect, imperfect as everything we humans are and do.

So, we lay on the couch and listened to some nice classical music from an internet radio for the first hour. The psilocybin contained in the mushrooms and digested by the stomach docked in the corresponding places in my brain.

My body and mind, prepared by moderate fasting, catapulted me into different perceptual worlds.

At the beginning we were amused, but then my senses interweaved and the most incomparable trip of my life started.

I started to see very nice, cloud-shaped pictures on the white ceiling. These then gradually began to move to the music. We had more or less expected this because new paths were formed in the brain and it was already described that music can be seen, for example.

This was very nice and I started to reflect and relive the wonderful experiences of my life.

Time and space were about the same as before, but I got a lot of nice insights. My “seeing” was also not as visual as usual, but much more intense.

In the next stage, maybe a quarter of an hour later, my senses have almost completely dissolved and interwoven. And even though I was always approachable, I felt a little crazy about my original point of view.

I wasn’t exactly where I was before and I wasn’t exactly who I was either. I also wondered at this stage how do I know that I am, I am.

I also realized that my five senses so far only gave me a glimpse of life and the truth.

A friend came into our room and checked on us.

I told him that I couldn’t even describe in a whole life what I’m experiencing and seeing in a moment.

And by seeing I didn’t mean anything visual that is perceptible to the eyes. It was a different way of seeing, for which I already lack the right words. I reflected a lot back and forth and realized what was beautiful and enjoyed it. Although time and space were no longer the same as before, they were still there. I was born with every breath and lived through many lives. I could feel real empathy. It was very moving.

The next level was the most indescribable and so intense and real experience of my life. Time and space dissolved completely, I “was” a kind of perfect bliss and love in which souls touch.

And here I find it hardest to get any idea of it. Words, pictures, everything that is available to me as a person to describe it is completely insufficient to describe it. It’s also not true that I was there. There would be a place there, and it’s not a place. I wasn’t there either. To was there would mean a period of time, and it was not a period of time.

I don’t want to give it a name either, for me it cannot be associated with anything known, so I simply call it It, then you at least know that it is unimaginable.

I have learned that everything is related to everything. Everything is It and I am It too.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

I also found out that I am nothing special as a person, or in other words just as special as anything else.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

My faith, my knowledge, my ego, I as a human being, everything in me, was dissolved and I experienced this completely indescribable perfect bliss and love.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Unfortunately, I can’t find any more suitable words to even begin to describe It.

I don’t want to describe the experience with I “was there”, but rather with I am It.

And that’s not a belief in it, but in my little transport container called the brain, certainty.

The further course of the trip was that I climbed one step down again. Time and space had not yet been opened up to me again in their current form. I then started to reflect on everything bad. My bad sides and mistakes, and the bad sides of the world that we have shaped as humans. That was not nice. I felt sick.

I wanted to know what I can or should do in my life. What’s the point?

I could not answer a single question about what I should or can do with completely right or completely wrong, I recognized my limited sphere of influence and my imperfection.

And although I felt through many lives there was no way to perfection. I asked myself the question of the meaning, I wanted to know what I should do with my new knowledge and experience or how I should continue to act as a person.

Everything was and is so imperfect compared to the experienced.

In addition, everything is connected, and I will soon travel through my life again with its limited sphere of influence. And I asked myself questions after questions, I probably had answers as well, but none of these answers led to the previously felt perfection.

I also knew that I would live my life more or less long. This has a sphere of influence that itself can be influenced, but is nevertheless always limited.

I also learned that we humans are only lives in the midst of life that wants to live. So just as special as everything else, to put it mildly.

For example, when asked if I should slaughter and eat animals, there was no clear or complete answer. I already know that billions of lives are killed in our bodies every second and a similar number are born again. This life, every single cell wants to live just as much as a cow, right? Should a killed life serve my food? So, should as many or as large a life as possible be protected?

Life always means death, but where does life begin?

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None of my countless questions had a clear and perfect answer.

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The great realization from this was that there is no perfect right or completely wrong answer to these questions.

But there are better and worse answers, with no definitive borders in between.

In this phase of the trip I learned what I should do for my life, what the meaning of my life is, which was previously beautiful but also imperfect.

The experienced “It” is everything and therefore also what is bad at the moment.

What is so logical, simple but also difficult at the same time and anyway the only thing I can do is over me. In two words: make an effort!

I should try, I will not make perfect decisions, but I can choose between better and worse. And for me, the better is preferable to the worse. And for the current part of my trip, I’ll try to do that.

Now I am here in front of my computer and feel sorry about my imperfection in translating and writing these lines with imperfect meaning. Lines which try to describe something indescribable.

But I try anyway because I think it makes sense. That the whole cosmos, every cell, life also make an effort.

I have the time as an aid.

I have no faith after this trip, instead I have certainty. I am It too and I try.

With love for my wife, my children, family, friends and everything else,

Me.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

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Alaina’s Psilocybin Healing

Super happy to share Alaina’s Healing Psilocybin Story with you 😊🍄

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Disclaimer: There are Amazon Affiliate Links included for the books I(Alaina) recommend

I hadn’t planned on using psilocybin mushrooms for depression and anxiety. But as it happens with me and weed, things fell into place and it opened a path on July 4, 2019.

The deep stomachaches followed by shocks of nausea didn’t turn me off.

No, they led me to my second dive on Thursday, March 26, 2020. Because that “something” within me was craving release but couldn’t seem to get it right. Honestly, I was heartbroken and distraught that I had pushed away a guy I still like.

Especially because I felt it was “someone” doing the pushing.

It wasn’t something I rationally wanted. So what in the fuck was going on?? That was the turning point of going deeper into what I wanted to deny but couldn’t let go.

Childhood trauma had its grip on me.

Revelation: a major magic mushroom side effect

So I first tried shrooms on my own in an AirBnB in L.A. on Independence Day 2019. A friend in Portland gave them to me the day prior before I bussed down to North Hollywood. It was a gram and given the barrage of bull shit I experienced that year, it was time to see what the fuck was up.

I escaped depression on Christmas 2018 (what’s with me and holidays?) during an insightful edible high. But I managed to get sucked right back in thanks to a series of exacerbating events that dialed my anxiety to 1000%.

(This shit has consumed me for a year, so I’m not quite ready to go into the details.)

Ultimately, I ended up internalizing a lot of anger, frustration, annoyance and so many other emotions and the shroom trip gave me release.

I cried so fucking much.

But it freed me to move forward with certain decisions I was resisting heavily.

So with that in mind, I slid on down to shroom town. After reaching out to the plug, he hooked me up with some shroom shake and then I went to town. (I learned not to add that shit to oatmeal — almost puked!)

The water works ensued for hours upon hours and hours and then I was faced with I had been denying…

I was holding onto a lifetime of pain from my childhood and adolescent years.

An adult living with childhood trauma

I guess we all carry some type of trauma. After my older brother died back in 2013, I ended up moving back in with my parents. And since I was relying on them and we had suffered a loss, I figured it was time for me to well…

Get over it.

Unfortunately, trauma doesn’t work like that. As I’m sure many of you already know. But given the onslaught of adulthood and how badly I was adapting, I thought I’d just keep building myself. 

And it would possibly resolve itself?

I tested out therapy here and there, but nothing really clicked. But the internal struggles persisted.

Especially in my relationships with others. Even more so in my intimate relationships where I started off so confident and enjoying myself. Until deeper feelings happened and…

All of me would shut down. I’d pull away. My emotions would grow frantic. My mind would race and I never felt entirely safe despite my desire to enjoy the love. My love was tangled with pain that I hadn’t been able to cope with.

Pain from not just my parents being over-critical and putting too much pressure on me.

Pain from my older brother pushing me around.

Pain from being ignored by most of my teachers.

Pain from being made fun of and bullied from K-8.

I didn’t know what to do with any of this as a child. I didn’t know how to have friendships or maintain them. I just started deadening my emotions more and more to cope.

And as it goes with Bessel van der Kolk’s book “The Body Keeps the Score” and talk, all that internalized pain was coming out in ways my younger self couldn’t express.

Accepting my reality with Complex PTSD

Thanks to the shrooms release, I investigate childhood emotional abuse via the internet. Yes, a standard edition wise move by a 30-something millennial. I knew it was the move though.

Because I was avoiding even looking up this shit up. For years.

So on a whim, I hopped onto YouTube and looked up “childhood trauma.” And came across this lovely woman Anne of Crappy Childhood Fairy.

Now this part didn’t happen the same day. But it followed a few days of exploration after and… It truly unveiled the emotional trap within me. It gave a name to my struggle: complex PTSD.

YouTube being YouTube, watching her videos led me to childhood trauma counselor named Counselor Carl. Which helped me to accept the fear and shame that were trapped inside me for so long.

I’ve since taken up Anne’s method of journaling and meditating twice a day. And overall taking better care of myself to keep my brain from wigging out.

Outro: letting go

And there we have it! My second experience with psilocybin mushrooms and how a broken heart led me to facing an unavoidable truth.

Honestly, I feel like cannabis put me onto this path. Consuming that leafy green increased my physical sensitivities. And that meant I became more aware of the underlying unrest that I was feeling.

The pain needed release and I figured it was time to start letting shit go. Why did my inner child hold on?

Because she just didn’t know what else to do. I’m glad I get to nurture her into how.

Check in every Friday evening for a “Solitude, Craftsmanship & Weed” story.

Follow me on IG & TikTok @alainapowerchick and Twitter @alainaPWRCHK

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Check out Alaina’s original Medium post and more from her here.