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Uncategorized

A Potential Downside To Having No Fear

…Anyway, back to the story, us chatting, figuring out answers to the world’s problems…or just strangely talking about nursing homes.

We talked for 30 or so minutes on the rocks, then I wanted to walk around. I told my friends I was going to walk around, just nearby, and that they can chill here if they want, but they were like “yea we’re gonna walk around with ya.”

“Where are you going?”

“No idea, just walking. Again, guys, you don’t have to come. I’m not walking far.” 

But they insisted.

I led us away from the water, into open desert, toward the mountains, away from society. 

In this moment I was feeling whole with everything, connected&one with all things. I felt love and had 0 fear. All fears completely dissolved and it felt like unconditional love. I was open to whatever life may bring in this moment.

Usually I loveeeeeee that feeling, but here is an example, from a previous trip, that shows the possible negative side of this:

It was my fourth or fifth time tripping on mushrooms-in 2011 I believe. 4 of us were tripping-college friends. A few hours in, at like 11pm or midnight, we decided to go for a walk to some nearby woods. I was familiar with these woods because I had lived near that area for the past few years(college), and taken many walks in it. 

So, I was feeling fearless. We walk into the woods with no flashlights and no phone lights. Just darkness. There were no man-made lampposts or anything so it was pretty much pitch black. Our eyes did adjust somewhat after I forget how many minutes, but yea we could slightly see without any light.

After 10 or so minutes walking through the woods we see a campfire in the distance.

My first thoughts, and I said them out loud, were something like “we should say hi to them!”

One of my friends agreed, but the other 2 were like ehhhh, we probably shouldn’t do that. haha.

But I insisted, I thought something like ‘I’m sure they’ll love to talk. They’ll be so happy to see and talk with us.’ —but in reality, they were probably scared as shit. I was “no-fear” trippin.

So me and my one friend start walking toward the fire while the other two stayed.

As we got about 30-40 yards or so away, I thought I should gently, but loud enough, say something to the campers. We couldn’t see the people – only the fire and tents-we were somewhat far away, so we stop for a second and I’m like “heeyyyyy, hellllooooo” softly but loud enough for them to hear. We then saw the fire get put out so quickly before hearing tents zipping frantically.

And then it hit me, ‘oh yea, maybe this is weird. It is the middle of the night in the woods. We don’t have flashlights and we’re walking toward campers.’

So then I gently and friendly shouted something like “oh, uh, we were just saying what’s up, but we totally understand. Sorry about that!” We turned around and walk back to our friends.

Haha, yea, good times.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Now, 9 years later, I’ve acquired crucial experiences to prepare and cultivate empowering & safe trips.

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Psilocybin Stories

Psilocybin Insights Into The Indescribable

This post comes from an anonymous sender who had a profound experience with Psilocybin. The first few paragraphs give background on this writer, then you’ll hear about their psilocybin experience, including striking insights similar to things I’ve experienced while tripping. I love relating to all you psychonaut readers&experiencers! Enjoy the following trip 🍄🤪😁😎

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Hello there,

My name is not relevant here but I would like to tell you something. I would like to say straight away that I am trying to describe something indescribable. This is a contradiction in terms, but I am trying.

I wrote this text original a few days after the experienced trip.

To introduce myself briefly, I take a look at something. I have many siblings. I grew up on a mountain farm. Overall, I had a nice childhood, I would describe myself as nature-loving and curious. My worst experience was probably the unnecessarily cruel divorce of my parents and the experiences from that time. I like to go to the mountains and work with wood. The search for the meaning of life kept busy me, but only in moderation and sometimes in passing. I am married and have healthy and sometimes good children. I can count over thirty years in my life.

I like to travel and one of my most extensive trips until a day in Winter 2019 was, for example, a bicycle trip with my friend from home to the Caucasus. There we climbed the Mount Elbrus.

I consider the student days with my friends and the experience from them to be very important for me. I also made up for the agricultural skilled worker. I work as an engineer in the automotive business.

I have very good friends who I can and want to count among the most important companions on my way.

This very short and extremely incomplete outline should reflect me a little.

And even if I could, for example, fill a beautiful book with the mentioned trip to the Caucasus and its experiences, I would like to tell you about another, much more worthwhile trip.

Or maybe it’s only interesting for me, of course you have to make this judgment yourself.

This part of my trip started on a Winter day in 2019 in an ordinary living room with my friend and led me to the innermost timeless and spaceless.

First of all, so that you only think I’m as crazy as I really am or would be, I would like to note that I have witnessed some formative events such as near-death events and births of my children. In relation to the following experience, these seem to me like little crack on a bowl, which then broke open completely.

I and my friend, the travel companion, have been working intensively on mind-expanding mushrooms for a long time.

He much more than me, he developed the knowledge about it and let me participate. I think Paul Stamets was the trigger, who, like me, is now convinced that these mushrooms are not party drugs, but correctly used as a kind of aid. Here’s something to taste – (Joe Rogan&Paul Stamets video)

We both have moderate experience with hemp and, especially during our study time, a lot of experience with alcohol, but with drugs, I would like to say that we have nothing to do with it.

After studying books and reports from so-called psychonauts, this is a term that is typically used in specialist circles, and considering the risks, I decided to eat five grams of Psilocybe cubensis Golden Teacher with a little honey together with my friend.

Although we had read a number of testimonials and were roughly aware of how the psilocybin contained works, that it does not make you addictive, but tends to promote reflection and empathy, we would not have expected the following, with any fibre of our being.

And the name of the mushrooms, although it seems to describe the easy handling of the growth, says it all.

So of course, we went on a trip with our women after clarification. After ingesting the mushrooms, we went into a cosy room with some classical music and agreed that someone should check on us every half hour. Which then happened through my friend’s wife and an old friend.

Through our research, we knew that the trip would be over after 6 hours at the latest and that there would be no dependencies or physical damage afterwards. The worst to expect was a horror trip, which according to experience reports also harbours positive insights.

And now begins the part that is very difficult for me to put into words.

On the one hand, this is because words, by definition, can only be completely inadequate for something indescribable.

Secondly, my inability. I try anyway, just please be aware that this can in no way be modelled on words, words are something that we humans invented, so they are probably as imperfect, imperfect as everything we humans are and do.

So, we lay on the couch and listened to some nice classical music from an internet radio for the first hour. The psilocybin contained in the mushrooms and digested by the stomach docked in the corresponding places in my brain.

My body and mind, prepared by moderate fasting, catapulted me into different perceptual worlds.

At the beginning we were amused, but then my senses interweaved and the most incomparable trip of my life started.

I started to see very nice, cloud-shaped pictures on the white ceiling. These then gradually began to move to the music. We had more or less expected this because new paths were formed in the brain and it was already described that music can be seen, for example.

This was very nice and I started to reflect and relive the wonderful experiences of my life.

Time and space were about the same as before, but I got a lot of nice insights. My “seeing” was also not as visual as usual, but much more intense.

In the next stage, maybe a quarter of an hour later, my senses have almost completely dissolved and interwoven. And even though I was always approachable, I felt a little crazy about my original point of view.

I wasn’t exactly where I was before and I wasn’t exactly who I was either. I also wondered at this stage how do I know that I am, I am.

I also realized that my five senses so far only gave me a glimpse of life and the truth.

A friend came into our room and checked on us.

I told him that I couldn’t even describe in a whole life what I’m experiencing and seeing in a moment.

And by seeing I didn’t mean anything visual that is perceptible to the eyes. It was a different way of seeing, for which I already lack the right words. I reflected a lot back and forth and realized what was beautiful and enjoyed it. Although time and space were no longer the same as before, they were still there. I was born with every breath and lived through many lives. I could feel real empathy. It was very moving.

The next level was the most indescribable and so intense and real experience of my life. Time and space dissolved completely, I “was” a kind of perfect bliss and love in which souls touch.

And here I find it hardest to get any idea of it. Words, pictures, everything that is available to me as a person to describe it is completely insufficient to describe it. It’s also not true that I was there. There would be a place there, and it’s not a place. I wasn’t there either. To was there would mean a period of time, and it was not a period of time.

I don’t want to give it a name either, for me it cannot be associated with anything known, so I simply call it It, then you at least know that it is unimaginable.

I have learned that everything is related to everything. Everything is It and I am It too.

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I also found out that I am nothing special as a person, or in other words just as special as anything else.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

My faith, my knowledge, my ego, I as a human being, everything in me, was dissolved and I experienced this completely indescribable perfect bliss and love.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Unfortunately, I can’t find any more suitable words to even begin to describe It.

I don’t want to describe the experience with I “was there”, but rather with I am It.

And that’s not a belief in it, but in my little transport container called the brain, certainty.

The further course of the trip was that I climbed one step down again. Time and space had not yet been opened up to me again in their current form. I then started to reflect on everything bad. My bad sides and mistakes, and the bad sides of the world that we have shaped as humans. That was not nice. I felt sick.

I wanted to know what I can or should do in my life. What’s the point?

I could not answer a single question about what I should or can do with completely right or completely wrong, I recognized my limited sphere of influence and my imperfection.

And although I felt through many lives there was no way to perfection. I asked myself the question of the meaning, I wanted to know what I should do with my new knowledge and experience or how I should continue to act as a person.

Everything was and is so imperfect compared to the experienced.

In addition, everything is connected, and I will soon travel through my life again with its limited sphere of influence. And I asked myself questions after questions, I probably had answers as well, but none of these answers led to the previously felt perfection.

I also knew that I would live my life more or less long. This has a sphere of influence that itself can be influenced, but is nevertheless always limited.

I also learned that we humans are only lives in the midst of life that wants to live. So just as special as everything else, to put it mildly.

For example, when asked if I should slaughter and eat animals, there was no clear or complete answer. I already know that billions of lives are killed in our bodies every second and a similar number are born again. This life, every single cell wants to live just as much as a cow, right? Should a killed life serve my food? So, should as many or as large a life as possible be protected?

Life always means death, but where does life begin?

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None of my countless questions had a clear and perfect answer.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

The great realization from this was that there is no perfect right or completely wrong answer to these questions.

But there are better and worse answers, with no definitive borders in between.

In this phase of the trip I learned what I should do for my life, what the meaning of my life is, which was previously beautiful but also imperfect.

The experienced “It” is everything and therefore also what is bad at the moment.

What is so logical, simple but also difficult at the same time and anyway the only thing I can do is over me. In two words: make an effort!

I should try, I will not make perfect decisions, but I can choose between better and worse. And for me, the better is preferable to the worse. And for the current part of my trip, I’ll try to do that.

Now I am here in front of my computer and feel sorry about my imperfection in translating and writing these lines with imperfect meaning. Lines which try to describe something indescribable.

But I try anyway because I think it makes sense. That the whole cosmos, every cell, life also make an effort.

I have the time as an aid.

I have no faith after this trip, instead I have certainty. I am It too and I try.

With love for my wife, my children, family, friends and everything else,

Me.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Join the Psilocybin Stories community by sending in your story to contribute!

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Acid Trips Anonymous

My first time taking blotter acid was blue unicorn.

I took it walking home from a small town outside of where I lived. There were no street lights so my eyes were strained. I started peaking halfway through the walk home.

I got just outside of my town when I saw two deer in a meadow on the side of the road.

A car came down the hill and sped past me. The deer got spooked by me and the car and ran out in front of the car getting hit.

One deer was screaming and other deer got hit in the head splitting its skull open and flung brains all over my pants as it layed flopping on the road. A car came in the lane I was standing as I saw brains and blood all over my shoes.

I ran home as the drunk driver tried to stop me. I got home and took my other hit thinking it would calm me down. I laid in bed petting my pillow because I thought it was my dog. I looked at my stereo clock it was 10 o’clock. I screamed and buried my head in my pillow seeing those deer over and over. 

I looked back at my stereo it was four in the morning and I was completely sober. The next day I went to where the deer got hit. They were gone but there were shot gun shells and blood all over the road. I always felt god was mad at me for taking acid so he gave me a bad trip.

Well I started taking acid when I was like 13 like 124 trips. It wasn’t long after I started having derealization. It came on so strong it felt like a bad acid trip that wouldn’t go away.

I suffered with it for ten years. During that time I had a head injury also which almost killed me. I was so delusional I thought everything was a dream like I couldn’t wake up.

Ever since then about 5 years after going through that I started getting really delusional and the panic set in. I couldn’t smoke dope anymore because I had such bad realizations of being in a dream it scared me.

For 23 years I was on medication in and out of hospitals, psychiatric wards. If I stop taking the meds I get super manic and delusional wandering the streets sometime bare foot. The cops have taken me to the hospital several times. I believe in psychedelics, maybe a sober person isn’t supposed to say that but they really do open your mind. But there’s also a downside for some people taking too much can permanently flip you into psychosis and cause a lot of trouble.

Art has helped me with a lot and I would of given up years ago if not for medication, the good will of people and art. I would never take drugs again because I can’t. For 23 years I took drugs and psychedelics. I’m not trying to preach – just don’t believe that there’s only a one sided positive side to everything, there’s a bad side to everything also, and if you’re not careful you could have short term problems and maybe even long term problems. But they do open your mind, they do help you self reflect but if you can’t control it please seek help.

I’m very disappointed with a lot of the popular visionaries only talking about the positive side I think it’s better to be honest and explain the pros and cons of everything.

I just believe all things are energy. Energy has a memory and consciousness therefore we are a projection of consciousness of the whole universe more of the universes imagination kinda like it’s dreaming us and our reality.

So the universe is alive – maybe a brain..that creature universe to me is what I consider god.

Everything is atoms. Atoms are energy. Positive force energy created by instability of negative energy. The universe is in a state of separation and resistance but it is seeking balance and harmony, and when it achieves balance there will be no need for separation or resistance. It will be in a state of oneness.

Find harmony with the whole and you will achieve what the universe is seeking.

I believe the universe starts off as balance, then it becomes unstable. It separates into light and dark energy then it tries to find balance again. Instability is separation and division and resistance. 

It’s obvious the universe is seeking balance and if we can help to aid it in its search for balance I believe our outcome will be favorable.

Add it all its part of my theory of everything that I’ve been sending to colleges and Nobel committee for the past 10 years. It all started when I took acid and wrote my first time theory at 13. I loved Einstein but I always thought he was wrong in some areas. The acid opened my mind to the akasha records and I was able to see the answers to the universe. It’s been a lifelong quest finding a theory of everything. I believe I finally achieved it.

The food we eat is energy atoms. Positive force is created by negative space instability. The negative energy becomes unstable and starts currents. These currents spin like pi spiral helix or the Fibonacci spiral. They expand out which is matter and they spin in which creates an inversion or space. So matter is a protrusion in a negative inversion.

Pi spiral helix out(matter) pi spiral helix in(space) two time factors – one is positive the other negative. It’s the only way time can work – the positive expansion of time and the slow negative incursion of degradation of time. In and out dynamic.

With balance it’s in a state of rest – no separation, no division, no need for time because time is directly linked to separation, mass accumulation, and the interactions of masses to each other. So time is mass accumulation in conjunction with acceleration and linked to other masses and space currents. 

Space creates positive force through negative instability. Negative space instability is created from a solid state of balance. Balance state separates from instability of its mass. Balance comes from nothing.

Nothing has the potential of everything. Nothing is nothing and something all at once and nothing is infinite.

If food is atoms and atoms are energy then your consciousness is an accumulation of energy directly linked to the energy inside and outside your body.

I wrote mit Harvard, Princeton, and Yale physics departments for 10 years with these understandings. There’s so much more but it would take a long time to explain. No one answered but they never blocked me so still not sure how much was actually read.

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Thank you for reading!
I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did from an anonymous sender.
Real & Raw.

Send questions and your psilocybin or psychedelic story to psilocybinstories@gmail.com

The world needs more of these right now🙏😎✌️

Love. Peace. Shrooms.

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Psilocybin Stories

Samantha’s Psilocybin Surrender

Thank you for joining. 

This Psilocybin Story comes to you from Samantha Scrivens.

And if you have a Psilocybin Story the world needs to hear, email psilocybinstories@gmail.com with why you’d like to share your experience, even if you aren’t a writer!

The world needs more of these right now and forever. 

Thank you so much Samantha for sharing yours!

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Here is “Psilocybin Surrender”

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Can you sequence a dream?  

Pinpoint when it started?  

Likely the setting is a murky, submerged Monet. Conversations of grave importance are whittled to a phrase or single word, if you can recall any at all. Often it’s the sheer fear of being chased, the horror of teeth cracking from oozing gums, the uncontainable joy of flying, that sticks with us in the waking state.

I can no more eloquently detail my solo psychedelic expedition.  

But as you might describe your nightly and matutinal routines: brushing, flossing, drifting off to monotonous tones of a murder mystery podcast, so can I share my trip prep and epilogue: SET, SETTING, SUBSTANCE, SITTER, SESSION, SUPPORT, & SURRENDER.

(mind)SET

I asked myself “Why?”  Why take psilocybin mushrooms under a blindfold and headphones for four hours? My journaled response: 

  • to look the dragon of fear in the mouth
  • to gain experience and knowledge to offer others. 

There’s always a certain fear surrounding psychedelics. What if I have a bad trip? What if I’m that one person that keeps tripping forever? What if I need the paramedics? What if…whatif…whatif…Every time, without fail, this preparatory cry plagues me like a colicky infant to an exhausted mother.  I console my small self with wisdom from Michael Pollan, who experienced a similar protest before each of his psychedelic experiences in How to Change Your Mind

“That voice, I came to realize, was my ego trying (selfishly) to prevent me from a having an experience that, among other things, would undermine that ego.”

Even as I sat with the chocolate truffle in my perspiring palm, invoking divine Reiki energy and protection, my heart slammed like a relentless wave. I took a deep breath, then another, until my pulse subsided.

Fear would undoubtedly rear its ugly head again, snarling and snapping jaws at my bliss, and so I designated my breath as my anchor. After years of practicing yoga and advising students to “return to the breath”, I figured this would be second nature, a well-honed tool to mitigate anxiety during the trip.

As beginner in the burgeoning field of psychedelic assisted psychotherapy, I needed to wade through my own internal terrain before I could hope to hold space for others. Hence I write right now, attempting to distill the ineffable experience into words.  

Next I SET intentions: 

  • to dissolve mental barriers
  • to make peace with the past and calm qualms for the future
  • to immerse myself in love and gratitude

At least, that’s what they would have been. There is no guaranteeing what will emerge in the psychedelics state. Whatever needs to surface from mental rabbit holes around which I typically veer, will surface. So I chose, with full faith in my spiritual guides, higher Self, and divine energy, to SURRENDER to the process, leaving my open journal alongside my bed as a remindful totem.  

SETTING

Although I find that submerging in nature is the most idyllic setting for psychedelics, this adventure was meant to explore the inner landscape. Snuggled in bed behind a locked door with sunlight splashing upon my thawing body on a cold winter afternoon created physical and mental comfort from which I could embark on my journey. With a fully charged battery and downloaded playlist compiled by John’s Hopkins University’s psilocybin researchers, I cut cyber connection to the outside world.  

I knew that the music would evoke an array of emotion, that some songs I simply wouldn’t like: the deep Gregorian chant reminiscent of a Catholic Mass; the tinny pitch of a single flute; another crescendo of screaming violins. I promised myself that I wouldn’t skip a song in attempt to skirt something I’d rather not face. “Music becomes a mirror of transcendental forms of consciousness,” the playlist developer, psychologist Bill Richards, Ph.D., explained in an interview with Inverse. My only option would be to surrender to the piercing choir and sharp cello notes evoking tension in my hands, as well as the Hindi chanting and drumming spreading smiles across my face. Along with the music, I steeped a fresh thermos of chamomile tea alongside lavender essential oil and tissues, and cleared the air with sage plumes, additional esoteric comforts to augment calm throughout the experiment.  

SUBSTANCE

Just like a beginning backpacker might start with a one-night trip before venturing out into the wild for a weeklong excursion, I wanted to dabble with a light dosage for my first solo expedition sans sitter. After an hour, I considered nibbling an additional sliver, but I decided to give the mushrooms time to work their magic. I’m grateful for that patience, as I soon felt akin to the protagonist in Gulliver’s Travels, subject to minuscule pixies swarming my skin suit. Of course due to the lesser dosage, I was very much still grounded in the realization that I was, in fact, settled in my own bed and not strapped down on the tiny island of Lilliput.  

Physically, psilocybin connects parts of the brain that aren’t usually linked, temporarily dissolving the default mode network that is responsible for the ego. My ego, however, was still very much present, albeit in the passenger’s seat rather than behind the wheel. I would’ve (and still would) liked to more deeply explore the universe from within through a stronger dose, but not without a sitter to hold space.

SITTER

“Would you mind staying with me for upwards of 5 hours while I lie in bed and listen to classical music?” is a huge favor to ask; and in fact probably categorizes better as a job. As I didn’t have access to such, I shrugged and said, “I’ll be my own sitter, let my breath be my guide.” Although that resolute determination seems sensible in sobriety, it quickly dissolves under a mind altering substance.

I used the bathroom mid-trip, dazzled by the ethereal, vibrant world glowing outside myself. As I nestled into bed again and saw the eye pillow’s slow descent, the Fear Dragon’s scorching breath ignited my worry. I don’t want to go back under.  Oh God. I actually just want this to be over. Maybe I should stop the music, toss the eyemask, and explore myself through yoga. No…that won’t solve this anxiety either. Fuck, I’m thirsty. Gulp. Should I call a friend?And tell them, what, that I took mushrooms and am having a difficult time? That would only make me (not to mention them) more uncomfortable. Oh God, this is why having a sitter is recommended. 

“A SITTER” was the first bullet point I scratched in my journal towards the tail end of the trip. Have a sober someone to hold safe space; a thread of continuity weaving a safety net to assure that you’re doing great, that everything is ok, is paramount. That presence provides a foundation from which the ego can relax so that the rest of consciousness can continue traversing the unknown.

SESSION

At first it felt like I was lying in bed for an afternoon nap. Sunlight danced between branches seemingly in time to Vivaldi’s mandolin measures. But I can no more sequence thoughts or detail images after the first hour than describe how I fell asleep last night. I can, however, identify warm fuzzy feelings of contented bliss amongst harmonious strings and hauntingly enchanted voices. Until I had to tinkle during the trip’s peak.  

It was as I returned to bed that I struck myself with a sudden desire for it all to be over. It dawned on me that I was in the middle of the ocean in a rowboat. Briefly I deliberated biting into an emergency Xanax, but realized that I would be robbing myself of a rich opportunity for growth.

“Surrender” the word jumped from my journal as I sipped tea with shaky hands. I knew that, even if I had a sitter, shaman, entire paramedic team, I would be the only person able to help myself. The psychonaut mantra echoed, “The only way out is through.” And the music will carry me through, I told myself. Although there wasn’t another physical person present, I knew that I wasn’t alone. Calling upon divine feminine energy, The Great Earth Mother for protection, I saw my small self cocooned into her cosmic cuddle.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.  

A moment later Mozart’s heavy Vesperae Solennes de Confessore gave way to Vivaldi’s Gloria in D Major, releasing rushing relief throughout my entire being. Through jubilant strings I saw a landmass, a continent upon the horizon, and knew that I was going to make it. 

Night darkened. I’d been lying in bed for nearly 5 hours. I really wanted to make it to the end of the playlist, featuring Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles and Louie Armstrong’s What a Wonderful World, but needed a break from music and my room. As I ventured outside to gaze upon the moon and stars, tears welled, not from relief or astonishment at life’s intrinsic beauty and interconnectedness, but from an overwhelming sensation of isolation. Mopping exhausted eyes, I returned inside, grounded myself with (non-psychoactive) dark chocolate, transcribed what I could, and slept.  

SUPPORT

I’d always experienced psychedelics with another soul, holding hands to skirt dark shadows. Afterward, the space that was usually full of reminiscent giggling was rife with lonely contemplation. I’d noticed the gaping disconnect between the altruistic, wholesome life I desired and my current, unfulfilled existence. As after every psychedelic trip, I felt as if I’d come back with a handful of seeds, but lacked the tools with which to cultivate them. Wreaked with worry, I reached out to an old friend.

Over chips, salsa, and frosted mug of Pacifico, Smeagol held space for me to vent smoke clouding my mind. “We can really only do the best we can with what we have,” she mused in response to my whines of wasting potential and squandering opportunities. With a wry smile she added, “Besides, it’s not like we’re really free,” nodding to our many past dialogues on of the farce of free will. It was a relief, but still I realized why these experiences are often communal, as in ayahuasca ceremonies, and involve a shaman for integrating a transcendental overload.  

SURRENDER

In the days following, I wrote and wrestled, attempting to solve a mental Rubik’s cube, spinning worries round and round, until I noticed that the puzzle was color changing. Maybe there is no solution. It’s ok to not be ok, to walk away from this battle with anxiety. 

Surrendering, I realized, was an avenue to peace.  

As for the seeds, I’m planting them one at a time. Literally in gardens, and figuratively, through this piece here, hoping to grow a community in which we can facilitate safe, supported consciousness exploration, thus expanding awareness of interconnectedness.

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