Categories
Biblical

Thoughts & Important Verses of Genesis (1-16)

Chapters 1-16 so far. Included are some important verses & my interpretation every now & then.
Just chapters 1-16 so far – a lot of Genesis includes names – like this person had a baby named that, and they lived for 500 years, and they had a baby named this & they lived for 900 years…
^there’s a lot of that in Genesis. it’s a good book overall though.

Genesis 2:15-17

15 The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. 16 And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”

^^I have an interpretation of this. Maybe ill share it at some point.

Genesis 3: 4-5

“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

& 3:6-7

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

^^ it’s funny…. Obviously man-made, not from God ^^

But it has importance still.

Which, I’ll probably explain at a later time.

Genesis 3:21-24

21 The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.
22 And the Lord God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.”
23 So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken. 24 After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side[e] of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.

^^the end of this chapter makes this chapter better. More interesting for sure..

Genesis 4:10-12

10 The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground. 11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. 12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”

Genesis 7:11-12

11 In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, on the seventeenth day of the second month—on that day all the springs of the great deep burst forth, and the floodgates of the heavens were opened. 12 And rain fell on the earth forty days and forty nights.

Genesis 7:21-24

21 Every living thing that moved on land perished—birds, livestock, wild animals, all the creatures that swarm over the earth, and all mankind. 22 Everything on dry land that had the breath of life in its nostrils died. 23 Every living thing on the face of the earth was wiped out; people and animals and the creatures that move along the ground and the birds were wiped from the earth. Only Noah was left, and those with him in the ark.

24 The waters flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days.

Genesis 8:6-12

After forty days Noah opened a window he had made in the ark and sent out a raven, and it kept flying back and forth until the water had dried up from the earth. Then he sent out a dove to see if the water had receded from the surface of the ground. But the dove could find nowhere to perch because there was water over all the surface of the earth; so it returned to Noah in the ark. He reached out his hand and took the dove and brought it back to himself in the ark. 10 He waited seven more days and again sent out the dove from the ark. 11 When the dove returned to him in the evening, there in its beak was a freshly plucked olive leaf! Then Noah knew that the water had receded from the earth. 12 He waited seven more days and sent the dove out again, but this time it did not return to him.

8:13-14

13 By the first day of the first month of Noah’s six hundred and first year, the water had dried up from the earth. Noah then removed the covering from the ark and saw that the surface of the ground was dry. 14 By the twenty-seventh day of the second month the earth was completely dry.

8:20-22

20 Then Noah built an altar to the Lord and, taking some of all the clean animals and clean birds, he sacrificed burnt offerings on it. 21 The Lord smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: “Never again will I curse the ground because of humans, even though[a] every inclination of the human heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done.

22 

“As long as the earth endures,

seedtime and harvest,

cold and heat,

summer and winter,

day and night

will never cease.”

Genesis 9:12-17

12 And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: 13 I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. 14 Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, 15 I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. 16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”

17 So God said to Noah, “This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth.”

^this all…is, written by a man…& most of it is futile, but there might be some actually very important notes within the text — within the book of Genesis…

(^I wouldn’t use my time reading this if I didn’t find it important — or that it has the possibility of being important. Obviously the Bible has to be of some importance if it has lasted this long & has caused wars & peace, & religious cults, & a lot of stuff. so, it might have some importance – and the importance within it is most likely nothing close to what these religious cults & preachers & whoever have been preaching for thousands of years… the importance is not political – which is what so many churches have turned into – a stupid, political, conformity-based place for people to feel good about themselves . 

It’s quite ridiculous. But it is what it is. 

I hope we can move past all that.)

(^I could add more to this, but ill end it there for now.)

Genesis 9:28-29

28 After the flood Noah lived 350 years. 29 Noah lived a total of 950 years, and then he died.

Genesis 10 5-7

But the Lord came down to see the city and the tower the people were building. The Lord said, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other.”

^^I hope not to offend God, but this verse, Genesis 10:5-7 just sounds stupid ^^ sounds like a drunken fool wrote it.

& the stupidity continues in the following verses, Genesis 10:8-9: 

So the Lord scattered them from there over all the earth, and they stopped building the city. That is why it was called Babel[c]—because there the Lord confused the language of the whole world. From there the Lord scattered them over the face of the whole earth.

^i guess the only way to say this isn’t stupid is in consideration that this was written 3,000 years ago, so people were even dumber than they are now – so they wrote it in very very simple terms for people to understand (and for them, the writer(s) of Genesis, to get control over people)

Genesis 13:14-18

14 The Lord said to Abram after Lot had parted from him, “Look around from where you are, to the north and south, to the east and west. 15 All the land that you see I will give to you and your offspring[a] forever. 16 I will make your offspring(/or seed) like the dust of the earth, so that if anyone could count the dust, then your offspring could be counted. 17 Go, walk through the length and breadth of the land, for I am giving it to you.”

18 So Abram went to live near the great trees of Mamre at Hebron, where he pitched his tents. There he built an altar to the Lord.

Genesis 15:12-16

12 As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him. 

13 Then the Lord said to him, “Know for certain that for four hundred years your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own and that they will be enslaved and mistreated there. 14 But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions. 

15 You, however, will go to your ancestors in peace and be buried at a good old age. 16 In the fourth generation your descendants will come back here, for the sin of the Amorites has not yet reached its full measure.”

Genesis 15:13 makes me wonder if the old testament was written not so long ago,, within a few hundred years, maybe less: 13 Then the Lord said to him, “Know for certain that for four hundred years your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own and that they will be enslaved and mistreated there.

Genesis 15:18-21

18 On that day the Lord made a covenant with Abram and said, “To your descendants I give this land, from the Wadi[e] of Egypt to the great river, the Euphrates— 19 the land of the Kenites, Kenizzites, Kadmonites, 20 Hittites, Perizzites, Rephaites, 21 Amorites, Canaanites, Girgashites and Jebusites.”

^Kennizzites sounds cool. 

Genesis 16:13-14

13 She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen[c] the One who sees me.” 14 That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi[d]; it is still there, between Kadesh and Bered.

(Beer Lahai Roi means well of the Living One who sees me.)

^…Is this a joke?

Categories
Psilocybin Stories

Deep Spiritual & Philosophical Chat w Anonymous Guest!

Lots of great Spiritual & Philosophical ideas can be observed in this episode, a fun talk!

How do you like our anonymous voices? Haha. 

P.S. the second half of this episode I simultaneously live streamed on instagram – find it  @psilocybinstories , the most recent live stream vid title “Chat w roomy”

Categories
Psilocybin Stories

Psilocybin Highway Poem

Psilocybin Highway,
Yea this path is my way.

Might be yours too,
So I’ll meet you in the driveway.

You get there shocked and you say,
“That a spaceship or a hyundai?”

We have a good laugh,
Hop in headed to the flyway,
Ayyy.

Now we cosmic exploratin’
Can’t see them down below they hatin’

But our minds are on they own,
Focused,
Learnin’ Life,
Creatin’

And we’re part of this creation,
Playin’ roles of God & Satan.

Might seem a fucked but perfect process,
Toward our final destination…
…Transformation…

…Life is change…
…We are all connected with everything…
…We can’t see it like we can’t see the wind…
…But we can feel it & see its impact…

Categories
Psilocybin Stories

The Psilocybin Experience Factors

2 years after my first psychedelic experience, in 2012, I traveled to Venezuela on a mission trip. Up to that point I had only taken magic mushrooms 3 or 4 times. 

I’ve never craved psychedelics. I’ve always appreciated them with a deep reverence after my first experience.

Anyway, looking through photo memories, I can see my charisma and trusting presence. I wonder if psilocybin makes us more of who we are? But do believe that it can awaken the Soul.

As I’ve gotten older, some of my trusting presence has faded or hidden. I think it’s still within me. Many people have mistaken my carefree presence as naive and weak, but now that it’s not as strong within me, I realize this was a strength.

I didn’t need or use any drugs during this trip. I really was high on life, and have been high on life much of my life. I had little to no anxiety, no worries, just carrying a deep trust I had for life, God, the Universe, which my psychedelic experiences made complete. I understood that everything in life was unfolding perfectly, trusting it without a doubt, which I believe is what allowed me to live so completely in the present moment, overflowing with life.

I was in a state of trust, and would like to practice trusting life again. I think as we age and experience inevitable moments of suffering, we trust less, we’re in our heads more, we miss out on joys otherwise to be had today – holding onto pains of our past or worries of our future. It’s not easy.

My once in a blue moon psychedelic experiences often return me to that state of trusting presence. My hope is that it can do the same for others, and that we can carry some of that trust into our daily lives.

I know several factors impact the experience – that the psychedelic experience is unique to the individual. Maybe the experience brings out more of who we already are, but maybe it can do more than that with the addition of a spiritual practice, or other practices. The presence of genuinely supportive people makes a difference.

I see this in reflection as I’m currently not in the all-around great shape I had been in most of my life, and not just physical shape but mental, emotional, spiritual, social, and financial — I’m still paying student loans but at the time it felt like free money. Haha.

Life is constantly changing. I’m not in the ideal shape I used to be in, but I’m happy with who I am and where I’m currently at. I accept myself, (I try to!), as I simultaneously (try to) take actions toward a more ideal future. Imperfect progress is a way toward progress, and I do imagine a better future, although 2020 hasn’t made it easy.

I hope you and yours are well.

I know that psilocybin alone isn’t the answer, though it is nice hearing about its decriminalizations and medicinal legalizations. I think it will help many people in the long run.

Cheers to your beautiful cosmic self,
Psil Silva

Categories
Psilocybin Stories

Psilocybin Snakes & Butterflies

When it kicked in it took me to this innocence feeling of childhood. I felt like a kid. I was drawing butterflies in my notebook. What I wrote wasn’t legible but from what I could grasp it said you are beautiful, you are the butterfly and I drew some butterflies next to it.

When I peaked I could close my eyes and see myself ascending through the universe. My soul was flying high through the entire universe. I was just a spirit my physical body didn’t exist.

I felt like I could touch the fabric of the universe and become one with it. I could see the universe and the stars. I cried many tears of joy and pure euphoria.

Then the heavy emotions kicked it. I was coming face to face with my shadow. I felt like I had a fever. I was so cold I was shivering. I became a snake. 

I was a snake all night shedding skin and rising above the many deaths that took place.

I felt like I died multiple times. In the process of dying I saw the hindu goddess kali right in front of me. She is the goddess of death, also associated with feminine power and sexuality. she was there throughout my process of death and rebirth. I felt a bit uncomfortable. I didn’t want to face the trauma that was being shown, but there was no way to avoid it. After I faced it, she left. And that’s when the hindu god Ganesh appeared. He is known as the God of  beginnings and remover of obstacles.

I started slowly coming down and just felt like my chest was going to burst open with all the love and gratitude within my heart and I’m still feeling that way the day after. I’m currently in a world of my own made out of the love and gratitude in my heart. It’s just utter bliss. Cheers to Mother Earth for always providing the resources to help us heal, mind, body and spirit. May We honor her, love her and protect her.
-Lenissa Milagros

Follow Lenissa on Instagram here!

Categories
Uncategorized

How to Prepare a Therapeutic Psilocybin Experience — HAVE FUN!

In the end, your psilocybin experience should be a blast of fun.

But there’s so much talk about psychedelics these days it can get confusing.
The constant negative societal news doesn’t help either..

This is where I believe certain practices can help – Spiritual&Religious practices.

-Zen Meditation
-Biblical Affirmations
-and much more

Spiritual practices have helped enhance my trips, and have gotten me through bad trips. They help me let go.


-And by Letting Go I mean having no thoughts.
-Experiencing life in the here and now.
-Listening to life and being a receiver of life’s messages whilst in this state of consciousness.

And then naturally, joy follows.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Why do I want to help you?

I want to help you because I’ve had experiences where I’ve sought out help and didn’t get any. I’ve traveled to dark places, by myself, and had to figure it out by myself or I’d die.

I am thankful for these experiences, because they have deepened my compassion&empathy. Receiving no help turned me into a person who wants to help everyone, because I know how it feels to have no one there for you.

But I don’t dwell in the negative. There is fun to be had while creating a better world. I use my experiences to help you make peace with your demons, as I have with mine.

The Universe loves us, but we humans work hard at not feeling loved.
It’s time to embrace the love you deserve, even if you don’t feel worthy.
You are worthy.

Categories
Uncategorized

Acid Trips Anonymous

My first time taking blotter acid was blue unicorn.

I took it walking home from a small town outside of where I lived. There were no street lights so my eyes were strained. I started peaking halfway through the walk home.

I got just outside of my town when I saw two deer in a meadow on the side of the road.

A car came down the hill and sped past me. The deer got spooked by me and the car and ran out in front of the car getting hit.

One deer was screaming and other deer got hit in the head splitting its skull open and flung brains all over my pants as it layed flopping on the road. A car came in the lane I was standing as I saw brains and blood all over my shoes.

I ran home as the drunk driver tried to stop me. I got home and took my other hit thinking it would calm me down. I laid in bed petting my pillow because I thought it was my dog. I looked at my stereo clock it was 10 o’clock. I screamed and buried my head in my pillow seeing those deer over and over. 

I looked back at my stereo it was four in the morning and I was completely sober. The next day I went to where the deer got hit. They were gone but there were shot gun shells and blood all over the road. I always felt god was mad at me for taking acid so he gave me a bad trip.

Well I started taking acid when I was like 13 like 124 trips. It wasn’t long after I started having derealization. It came on so strong it felt like a bad acid trip that wouldn’t go away.

I suffered with it for ten years. During that time I had a head injury also which almost killed me. I was so delusional I thought everything was a dream like I couldn’t wake up.

Ever since then about 5 years after going through that I started getting really delusional and the panic set in. I couldn’t smoke dope anymore because I had such bad realizations of being in a dream it scared me.

For 23 years I was on medication in and out of hospitals, psychiatric wards. If I stop taking the meds I get super manic and delusional wandering the streets sometime bare foot. The cops have taken me to the hospital several times. I believe in psychedelics, maybe a sober person isn’t supposed to say that but they really do open your mind. But there’s also a downside for some people taking too much can permanently flip you into psychosis and cause a lot of trouble.

Art has helped me with a lot and I would of given up years ago if not for medication, the good will of people and art. I would never take drugs again because I can’t. For 23 years I took drugs and psychedelics. I’m not trying to preach – just don’t believe that there’s only a one sided positive side to everything, there’s a bad side to everything also, and if you’re not careful you could have short term problems and maybe even long term problems. But they do open your mind, they do help you self reflect but if you can’t control it please seek help.

I’m very disappointed with a lot of the popular visionaries only talking about the positive side I think it’s better to be honest and explain the pros and cons of everything.

I just believe all things are energy. Energy has a memory and consciousness therefore we are a projection of consciousness of the whole universe more of the universes imagination kinda like it’s dreaming us and our reality.

So the universe is alive – maybe a brain..that creature universe to me is what I consider god.

Everything is atoms. Atoms are energy. Positive force energy created by instability of negative energy. The universe is in a state of separation and resistance but it is seeking balance and harmony, and when it achieves balance there will be no need for separation or resistance. It will be in a state of oneness.

Find harmony with the whole and you will achieve what the universe is seeking.

I believe the universe starts off as balance, then it becomes unstable. It separates into light and dark energy then it tries to find balance again. Instability is separation and division and resistance. 

It’s obvious the universe is seeking balance and if we can help to aid it in its search for balance I believe our outcome will be favorable.

Add it all its part of my theory of everything that I’ve been sending to colleges and Nobel committee for the past 10 years. It all started when I took acid and wrote my first time theory at 13. I loved Einstein but I always thought he was wrong in some areas. The acid opened my mind to the akasha records and I was able to see the answers to the universe. It’s been a lifelong quest finding a theory of everything. I believe I finally achieved it.

The food we eat is energy atoms. Positive force is created by negative space instability. The negative energy becomes unstable and starts currents. These currents spin like pi spiral helix or the Fibonacci spiral. They expand out which is matter and they spin in which creates an inversion or space. So matter is a protrusion in a negative inversion.

Pi spiral helix out(matter) pi spiral helix in(space) two time factors – one is positive the other negative. It’s the only way time can work – the positive expansion of time and the slow negative incursion of degradation of time. In and out dynamic.

With balance it’s in a state of rest – no separation, no division, no need for time because time is directly linked to separation, mass accumulation, and the interactions of masses to each other. So time is mass accumulation in conjunction with acceleration and linked to other masses and space currents. 

Space creates positive force through negative instability. Negative space instability is created from a solid state of balance. Balance state separates from instability of its mass. Balance comes from nothing.

Nothing has the potential of everything. Nothing is nothing and something all at once and nothing is infinite.

If food is atoms and atoms are energy then your consciousness is an accumulation of energy directly linked to the energy inside and outside your body.

I wrote mit Harvard, Princeton, and Yale physics departments for 10 years with these understandings. There’s so much more but it would take a long time to explain. No one answered but they never blocked me so still not sure how much was actually read.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Thank you for reading!
I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did from an anonymous sender.
Real & Raw.

Send questions and your psilocybin or psychedelic story to psilocybinstories@gmail.com

The world needs more of these right now🙏😎✌️

Love. Peace. Shrooms.

Categories
Psilocybin Stories

Samantha’s Psilocybin Surrender

Thank you for joining. 

This Psilocybin Story comes to you from Samantha Scrivens.

And if you have a Psilocybin Story the world needs to hear, email psilocybinstories@gmail.com with why you’d like to share your experience, even if you aren’t a writer!

The world needs more of these right now and forever. 

Thank you so much Samantha for sharing yours!

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Here is “Psilocybin Surrender”

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Can you sequence a dream?  

Pinpoint when it started?  

Likely the setting is a murky, submerged Monet. Conversations of grave importance are whittled to a phrase or single word, if you can recall any at all. Often it’s the sheer fear of being chased, the horror of teeth cracking from oozing gums, the uncontainable joy of flying, that sticks with us in the waking state.

I can no more eloquently detail my solo psychedelic expedition.  

But as you might describe your nightly and matutinal routines: brushing, flossing, drifting off to monotonous tones of a murder mystery podcast, so can I share my trip prep and epilogue: SET, SETTING, SUBSTANCE, SITTER, SESSION, SUPPORT, & SURRENDER.

(mind)SET

I asked myself “Why?”  Why take psilocybin mushrooms under a blindfold and headphones for four hours? My journaled response: 

  • to look the dragon of fear in the mouth
  • to gain experience and knowledge to offer others. 

There’s always a certain fear surrounding psychedelics. What if I have a bad trip? What if I’m that one person that keeps tripping forever? What if I need the paramedics? What if…whatif…whatif…Every time, without fail, this preparatory cry plagues me like a colicky infant to an exhausted mother.  I console my small self with wisdom from Michael Pollan, who experienced a similar protest before each of his psychedelic experiences in How to Change Your Mind

“That voice, I came to realize, was my ego trying (selfishly) to prevent me from a having an experience that, among other things, would undermine that ego.”

Even as I sat with the chocolate truffle in my perspiring palm, invoking divine Reiki energy and protection, my heart slammed like a relentless wave. I took a deep breath, then another, until my pulse subsided.

Fear would undoubtedly rear its ugly head again, snarling and snapping jaws at my bliss, and so I designated my breath as my anchor. After years of practicing yoga and advising students to “return to the breath”, I figured this would be second nature, a well-honed tool to mitigate anxiety during the trip.

As beginner in the burgeoning field of psychedelic assisted psychotherapy, I needed to wade through my own internal terrain before I could hope to hold space for others. Hence I write right now, attempting to distill the ineffable experience into words.  

Next I SET intentions: 

  • to dissolve mental barriers
  • to make peace with the past and calm qualms for the future
  • to immerse myself in love and gratitude

At least, that’s what they would have been. There is no guaranteeing what will emerge in the psychedelics state. Whatever needs to surface from mental rabbit holes around which I typically veer, will surface. So I chose, with full faith in my spiritual guides, higher Self, and divine energy, to SURRENDER to the process, leaving my open journal alongside my bed as a remindful totem.  

SETTING

Although I find that submerging in nature is the most idyllic setting for psychedelics, this adventure was meant to explore the inner landscape. Snuggled in bed behind a locked door with sunlight splashing upon my thawing body on a cold winter afternoon created physical and mental comfort from which I could embark on my journey. With a fully charged battery and downloaded playlist compiled by John’s Hopkins University’s psilocybin researchers, I cut cyber connection to the outside world.  

I knew that the music would evoke an array of emotion, that some songs I simply wouldn’t like: the deep Gregorian chant reminiscent of a Catholic Mass; the tinny pitch of a single flute; another crescendo of screaming violins. I promised myself that I wouldn’t skip a song in attempt to skirt something I’d rather not face. “Music becomes a mirror of transcendental forms of consciousness,” the playlist developer, psychologist Bill Richards, Ph.D., explained in an interview with Inverse. My only option would be to surrender to the piercing choir and sharp cello notes evoking tension in my hands, as well as the Hindi chanting and drumming spreading smiles across my face. Along with the music, I steeped a fresh thermos of chamomile tea alongside lavender essential oil and tissues, and cleared the air with sage plumes, additional esoteric comforts to augment calm throughout the experiment.  

SUBSTANCE

Just like a beginning backpacker might start with a one-night trip before venturing out into the wild for a weeklong excursion, I wanted to dabble with a light dosage for my first solo expedition sans sitter. After an hour, I considered nibbling an additional sliver, but I decided to give the mushrooms time to work their magic. I’m grateful for that patience, as I soon felt akin to the protagonist in Gulliver’s Travels, subject to minuscule pixies swarming my skin suit. Of course due to the lesser dosage, I was very much still grounded in the realization that I was, in fact, settled in my own bed and not strapped down on the tiny island of Lilliput.  

Physically, psilocybin connects parts of the brain that aren’t usually linked, temporarily dissolving the default mode network that is responsible for the ego. My ego, however, was still very much present, albeit in the passenger’s seat rather than behind the wheel. I would’ve (and still would) liked to more deeply explore the universe from within through a stronger dose, but not without a sitter to hold space.

SITTER

“Would you mind staying with me for upwards of 5 hours while I lie in bed and listen to classical music?” is a huge favor to ask; and in fact probably categorizes better as a job. As I didn’t have access to such, I shrugged and said, “I’ll be my own sitter, let my breath be my guide.” Although that resolute determination seems sensible in sobriety, it quickly dissolves under a mind altering substance.

I used the bathroom mid-trip, dazzled by the ethereal, vibrant world glowing outside myself. As I nestled into bed again and saw the eye pillow’s slow descent, the Fear Dragon’s scorching breath ignited my worry. I don’t want to go back under.  Oh God. I actually just want this to be over. Maybe I should stop the music, toss the eyemask, and explore myself through yoga. No…that won’t solve this anxiety either. Fuck, I’m thirsty. Gulp. Should I call a friend?And tell them, what, that I took mushrooms and am having a difficult time? That would only make me (not to mention them) more uncomfortable. Oh God, this is why having a sitter is recommended. 

“A SITTER” was the first bullet point I scratched in my journal towards the tail end of the trip. Have a sober someone to hold safe space; a thread of continuity weaving a safety net to assure that you’re doing great, that everything is ok, is paramount. That presence provides a foundation from which the ego can relax so that the rest of consciousness can continue traversing the unknown.

SESSION

At first it felt like I was lying in bed for an afternoon nap. Sunlight danced between branches seemingly in time to Vivaldi’s mandolin measures. But I can no more sequence thoughts or detail images after the first hour than describe how I fell asleep last night. I can, however, identify warm fuzzy feelings of contented bliss amongst harmonious strings and hauntingly enchanted voices. Until I had to tinkle during the trip’s peak.  

It was as I returned to bed that I struck myself with a sudden desire for it all to be over. It dawned on me that I was in the middle of the ocean in a rowboat. Briefly I deliberated biting into an emergency Xanax, but realized that I would be robbing myself of a rich opportunity for growth.

“Surrender” the word jumped from my journal as I sipped tea with shaky hands. I knew that, even if I had a sitter, shaman, entire paramedic team, I would be the only person able to help myself. The psychonaut mantra echoed, “The only way out is through.” And the music will carry me through, I told myself. Although there wasn’t another physical person present, I knew that I wasn’t alone. Calling upon divine feminine energy, The Great Earth Mother for protection, I saw my small self cocooned into her cosmic cuddle.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.  

A moment later Mozart’s heavy Vesperae Solennes de Confessore gave way to Vivaldi’s Gloria in D Major, releasing rushing relief throughout my entire being. Through jubilant strings I saw a landmass, a continent upon the horizon, and knew that I was going to make it. 

Night darkened. I’d been lying in bed for nearly 5 hours. I really wanted to make it to the end of the playlist, featuring Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles and Louie Armstrong’s What a Wonderful World, but needed a break from music and my room. As I ventured outside to gaze upon the moon and stars, tears welled, not from relief or astonishment at life’s intrinsic beauty and interconnectedness, but from an overwhelming sensation of isolation. Mopping exhausted eyes, I returned inside, grounded myself with (non-psychoactive) dark chocolate, transcribed what I could, and slept.  

SUPPORT

I’d always experienced psychedelics with another soul, holding hands to skirt dark shadows. Afterward, the space that was usually full of reminiscent giggling was rife with lonely contemplation. I’d noticed the gaping disconnect between the altruistic, wholesome life I desired and my current, unfulfilled existence. As after every psychedelic trip, I felt as if I’d come back with a handful of seeds, but lacked the tools with which to cultivate them. Wreaked with worry, I reached out to an old friend.

Over chips, salsa, and frosted mug of Pacifico, Smeagol held space for me to vent smoke clouding my mind. “We can really only do the best we can with what we have,” she mused in response to my whines of wasting potential and squandering opportunities. With a wry smile she added, “Besides, it’s not like we’re really free,” nodding to our many past dialogues on of the farce of free will. It was a relief, but still I realized why these experiences are often communal, as in ayahuasca ceremonies, and involve a shaman for integrating a transcendental overload.  

SURRENDER

In the days following, I wrote and wrestled, attempting to solve a mental Rubik’s cube, spinning worries round and round, until I noticed that the puzzle was color changing. Maybe there is no solution. It’s ok to not be ok, to walk away from this battle with anxiety. 

Surrendering, I realized, was an avenue to peace.  

As for the seeds, I’m planting them one at a time. Literally in gardens, and figuratively, through this piece here, hoping to grow a community in which we can facilitate safe, supported consciousness exploration, thus expanding awareness of interconnectedness.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Check out more of Samantha’s posts here on her website.
Or connect with her on Instagram.

Thank you for reading🙏❤️😄💙🍄